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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Joe the Plumber brings the gift of matches to gun and alcohol bash

Joe the Plumber
Real American

Dear Mr. Plumber,

It's great to read that you're still in the average guy business. I was getting a bit worried we'd never hear from you again after you dumped the GOP, but thankfully, you're still a big draw with the "get liquored up and shoot things" crowd.

Gosh, I wish I could have been there. I hear those Independence Institute alcohol, tobacco, and firearms parties are a lot of fun. What more could a real American man want beyond a big ol' shotgun with a long full-choke barrel, a humongous cigar, and all the booze you can drink.

I imagine a lot of lesser Americans might look at such an event and make snide little remarks about compensation and feelings of inadequacy. Screw them. They just don't understand the joy of sucking on a long thick cigar or the power one feels when a hot load explodes from the tip of your Mossberg.

Sounds like your speech was a big hit too, but I think you could have added a little clarity to your statement that America had been a "great nation for over 180 years." That confused a lot of people and opened you up to a little mockery.

You could have avoided all that by simply explaining that the United states did not become a great nation until after the first friction "strike anywhere" matches became available here, sometime in the late 1820s. I mean, gosh, how would we spend our free time if we didn't have those little flames to look at--so pretty, so hot, so dangerous.

And sure, sometimes the matches speak to us, and tell us to do bad things, and maybe sometimes we do them, but it's all worth the trouble isn't it--the excitement of the firetrucks, the thrill that comes from thinking about the lacy thong you're secretly wearing as you talk to the fireman; you know what I mean.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Joe the Plumber: The only crack America needs!

    What is so encouraging about his story is that if his head gets stuck up his ass he probably has a tool to get it back out again. Just don't borrow his tools, you know, later on--unless you're, well, a really, really big fan of Joe the Plumber. Ardent, even.


  2. You have got to be kidding, the man's a winner, he's got what it takes, look out 2012. Talk about change you can believe in, this guy is for real you can't make this shit up. This scares the hell out of me.

  3. General, Sir:

    I think it's past time that Joe was retired to live out his life of ease in "Plumbers' Heaven" where there are only faucet washers to replace at $900/hr and nary a clogged toilet in the kingdom.

    I'm thinking we need another guy to be the chief GOPrick. I'm thinking, just spitballing here, somebody like Murray the Bookkeeper, or maybe Conrad the Chiropodist or, wait, Perry the Proctologist. Yeah, that's it; Perry the Proctologist. As we all know, here at the GC(Cubed)R, there are damned few reptilicans of any significant stature who wouldn't welcome a bi-partisan probe or two of their finances, love life or sigmoid colon. And if HE could borrow a few of Joe's favorite tools, like this one:

    Well, Sir, everything would be just peachy, with no pits, stones, hairballs or other clogs.

  4. Maybe Joe's next gig will be at a ribbon cutting ceremony for a new cattle crossing in East Texas.

  5. After four hours of target shooting, and a seemingly endless supply of stogies, merrymakers settled in for lunch ...

    General Sir:

    Really? Endless cigars and four hours of shootin' before lunch? How is this not the greatest country on earth, ever, Sir?

  6. demo...
    I like where you are going with this. How about Mark (Foley) the Pedophile, Larry the Toe Tapper, David the Diaper Wearer, etc.

  7. So THAT'S where my lacey thong went! Hey, go ahead and keep it. It was too scratchy anyway.

  8. Anonymous10:24 PM

    Just remember, kids, alls you gotta know to be a plumber is: (a) Hot water’s on the left; (2) shit flows downhill; and (c) don’t bite your finger nails.

  9. Dave sir, That reminded me of a plumber that came over to our place and was working on the wax ring under the commode, bare handed. He may have wiped his hand on a rag when he finished but if he did, that was all. I remember as he was leaving trying to open all the doors for him so he wouldn't touch the doorknobs or anything else when he was leaving.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.