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Thursday, August 06, 2009

Obama's Commie Mama

Andrew Walden
Commie Hunter

Dear Mr. Walden,

I avoided reading your "Barack Obama: Red Diaper Baby" article in American Thinker until now, because I assumed from the title of your publication, that it might be one of those elitist, pro-thinking blogs. Thankfully, one of my friends, Vallor, corrected me and convinced me to give it a look.

I'm glad he did. As far as investigative journalism goes, your piece ranks up there with the very best reports on the Klinton murders, secret Muslim messages in Mattel dolls, and Obama birth certificates. Indeed, it's almost like you were channeling Orly Taitz.

Your research certainly convinced me that Obama's mother, Stanley Ann Szlz Obama, was as red as a Palin voter's face after detox. How could it not with evidence like this:
According to former classmate Chip Wall, she caught foreign films at Seattle's only art-house theater, the Ridgemont, and trekked to University District coffee shops like the Encore to talk about jazz, the value of learning from other cultures and the "very dull Eisenhower-ness of our parents."
I bet she saw some of those movies you have to read, the ones with guys in hip European eyeglasses and trombone-playing clowns marching in small circles like some kind of sick circus orgy thrown by a tractor factory collective.

And the coffee--coffee in the Seattle Socialist Republic no less, a city where it's easier to score a dainty cup of French-pressed espresso than a good, American soda pop in a Big Gulp cup.

And Jazz? well, it's not proper music for a young white girl--that's what you were getting at, right? It's not uplifting like, say, Webb Pierce's There Stands the Glass or Conway Twitty's Pop a Top. More importantly, it's gotta be commie music. I bet Breshnev was a jazz fiend. I can imagine him slowly swaying to the cool sounds of Miles Davis as he and Suzlov riffed on dialectical materialism in between great proletarian tokes of righteous Bolshevik Bud.

I hope you continue to write pieces like this. We just don't hear people calling Obama a communist and a socialist as much as we should.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Oh, I read that book! The Unbearable Eisenhowerness of Being. Didn’t they make that into a movie?

  2. Walden is awesome! If he dragged his knuckles any lower his arms would be stumps, and it would hurt to type. I am so darn inspired I want to dry hump a respectable, Republican cloth coat.


  3. What feng said.

    General, you keep posting my picture. You can't know what a hassle it is for me. Every time I go grocery shopping, I have a long line of autograph seekers. Fortunately, I'm now charging a dime per autograph. Soon, i wlll have it made!

  4. General, you could have found a more respectable picture of the guy. That's the one from his KKK ID badge, and you know ID badges always have unflattering pictures. Do an image search for "moron," and you're sure to find something more appealing to all your commie readers.

  5. General, Sir:

    That man may or may not have a "mean bone" in his body; he obviously has no commiehealthcaresubsidized teeth in his head.

  6. Seattle Socialist Republic

    That's it, goddammit! Fire up the Holy Humvee -- we're invading the place, running out the hippies and setting up Waffle Houses on every corner.

    General, tell the Man With The Spatula that help's on the way.

  7. Anonymous12:38 PM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  8. Thank you, General, for the shout-out & promulgating the word about these gawdamned REDS running around DC &c.

    What we need now is a congressional inquiry into the RED MENACE, THE SEVENTH COLUMN, which is even now infiltrating dens of lascivious evil, such as San Francisco, Las Vegas, and even Chicago.

    In these vile cesspools of culture, one finds jazz, as well as the trance techno, hard dance, dirty house electro, and even (in the case of that Whore of the Desert, Las Vegas) SHOWTUNES.

    Furthermore, the bottomless pits in the catacombs *beneath the Luxor* house unspeakable RED COMMIE TERRORS, such as an altar supporting the skull of Che Guevara.

    A sidenote to Mr. Walden: If you desire, I can guide you beneath that Desert Babylon, navigating the stygian darkness until we confront -- face-to-tentacles -- The Cthonian Thing In The Pit. This, of course, would be the Underworld Archetype of the crawling horror instilled by commie red-baiting.

    Imagine the converts to Righteous Thinking we will gain through these expressions of Mortal Terror of REDS.

    "Better Dead than Red", right? But shambling forth from that Red Pit come commie zombies: unholy undead spouters of commie ideology. I think that you, Mr. Walden, will agree that if you are exposed to any sort of communist ideology -- whether it be Lenin, Mao, or West Bank Kibbitzm -- immediately infects the soon-to-be commie zombie.

    This spreads the RED VIRUS even further: and if we are not careful, kindegarteners everywhere will be sharing their blocks, which is Damned UnAmerican.

    I've heard even Marx and Lenin are "included" among the commie zombies -- and as you know, even the mere mention of the ideas of such disgustingly foul creatures can only spell ruin to even the most hardenened of Real Americans.

    Before you know it, the latter will end up sipping lattes, composting, and watching art films...and can metrosexuality or homosexuality be far behind?

    We may still be able to save Las Vegas, as it is encysted by libertarian Nevada... but San Francisco, I fear, is already seething with the RED VIRUS, which has spread to it's outer "Bay Area" provinces, such as Mountain View and other Silicon Valley cities.

    But anyway: I apologize for the rambling letter that I post, for now, myself too: the RED VIRUS MADNESS has touched me. And it seems to me, that "Any cook should be able to run the country."

    Oh no, it begins! I am lost! aiieeeeee....

  9. Holy "god". It's this stuff that keeps me coming back.

  10. Comrade,
    You will be accorded the Star of Lenin for this work... a toast of workingman's Schlitzski to you. Keep your callouses strong, when our people come to power, you will be saved.

  11. Everybody knows it's dangerous for a white girl to hang around places where they play that Negro jazz, because she might get knocked up by a black... Oh -- never mind -- too late.

    Anyway, the unholy spawn of such a union will always end up in jail or... Oh -- never mind again.

  12. Anonymous1:34 AM

    Thank you SO MUCH for this post. I loved it. Thank you for having the courage to be real......

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  13. so, is breshnev the dude to see to cop some of that righteous bolshevik stuff then?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.