Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Grand Aqua Buddha Bong of The United States Senate

Sen. John Cornyn
Chair. National Republican Sentatorial Committee

Dear Sen. Cornyn,

By now, I'm sure you've heard about this story:
The strangest episode of Paul's time at Baylor occurred one afternoon in 1983 ... According to this woman... "He and [Rand Paul] came to my house, they knocked on my door, and then they blindfolded me, tied me up, and put me in their car. They took me to their apartment and tried to force me to take bong hits. They'd been smoking pot." After the woman refused to smoke with them, Paul and his friend put her back in their car and drove to the countryside outside of Waco, where they stopped near a creek. "They told me their god was 'Aqua Buddha' and that I needed to bow down and worship him," the woman recalls. "They blindfolded me and made me bow down to 'Aqua Buddha' in the creek. I had to say, 'I worship you Aqua Buddha, I worship you.' At Baylor, there were people actively going around trying to save you and we had to go to chapel, so worshiping idols was a big no-no."
Some might view such an abduction as anti-Christian and unconstitutional (as any Teabag-American scholar will tell you, the Constitution allows the use of force only when witnessing for Christ). I disagree. I think Paul was simply testing the young woman to see if she might secretly be an Aquatic Buddhist, like the blacks, like Obama. There's nothing anti-Christian or unconstitutional about that--it's performing God's work.

You should bring this technique to the Senate. I'm picturing a big Buddha shaped hookah centered in front of the Majority Leader's podium. One hundred smoking tubes would emanate from it, each ending at a Senator's desk. You'd use it to ensure each Senator's suitability before each vote by making them take a toke and then commanding them to bow before the Grand Aqua Buddha Bong of The Unites State Senate (GABBUSS). As long as no one rises to so, it's cool to go on with the vote, but if anyone bows, you'll need to send them to Gitmo.

You might also consider replacing the Senate cafeteria's bean soup with big bags of Cheetos.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Smart people use fancy science to call us racists. Poll: "[E]ven as we account for conservatism and partisanship, support for the Tea Party remains a valid predictor of racial resentment."


  1. Those Aqua-Boodlers better not try to build a shrine or a sacred diving board or whatever it is they use down by the Hudson River near Ground Zero! Because I think I read on one of the Internets that Aqua-Bootys were involved in 9-11. And it would profane the sacred memory of that day if bong-smoke was allowed to mix with the air where the ashes of Teh Towers once wafted!

  2. I keep looking for AquaBuddha next to the river. Why doesn't she ever leave me any bongs?

  3. This Rand Paul sounds like he used to be a dirty hippie. Then somebody went and gave him a copy of Atlas Shrugged and Mumbled Something Incoherent and straightened his hippie butt out.

  4. See, all this talk of pot smoking Aqua-Buddha idol worship is just a ruse to get the rabble upset with the Glorious Christian Religionists That Will Soon Control The Gubmint.

    Our (Second)Favorite Son, Rand Paul, was simply using the non-harmful aggressive interrogation technique of water-boarding on the young co-ed. Clearly, she was suspected of heinous conspiracy. Why else would a not-man be at an institution of higher learning instead of dropping her third or fourth baby at the age of 20 or 21?

  5. Anonymous4:36 PM

    don't you know? didn't you read the comments at the end of the GQ article? this is all a hoax! a smear campaign against a wonderful american who wants to save us from desegregation and other unamerican activities, like forcing BP to pay for their own mess. stop slandering this man from texas! only good things can happen in texas!

  6. See, now you've made me like the guy.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.