Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Friday, March 04, 2011

Gen. JC Christian, BYU Professor of Safe Non-Sex Studies

Duff Tittle
Associate Athletic Director
Brigham Young University

Dear Brother Tittle,

The brethren had high hopes for BYU basketball this year. With a 27/2 record and a number 3 ranking in both major polls, who could blame us? But then the team's franchise player, Brandon Davis, placed his most holy and sacred urim inside his girlfriend's dirty little thummim.

Beginning the moment he first drove the ol' post and slam dunked it hard, it no longer mattered that Davies, as ESPN noted, "gave the Cougars length and size inside." He had violated the Y's rules against fornication. You had to throw him off the team.

But it didn't have to come to that. It could have been avoided if BYU had required the players to attend a safe non-sex course. Certainly, you now understand that depending on traditional, unofficial transmission of such knowledge was folly. As much as practices like dry humping have become a major part of BYU's culture, such knowledge apparently failed to penetrate the locker room.

If you offer me the position of Professor of Safe Non-Sex Studies, I'll help you change that. I've followed the development of Mormon non-sex techniques for over 40 years. Not only am I an expert on dry hump grinding methods, I've experimented extensively with "floating," a new technique all the returned missionaries are now practicing. Here's how one of my colleagues describes it (I've cleaned up the language a bit):
What you do is (I'll try to be as medically accurate as possible) is insert your [little soldier] in your girlfriend's [woo woo] and try to hold as still as possible. The lack of movement means you are not having sex. You just sit there, I assume naked, and don't move.
Of course when I say I've "experimented extensively" with floating, I mean I've done it a lot with watermelons (My wife, OfJoshua, is always busy ministering to our neighbor, Mr. Garcia, and other not-men kick me hard in the grenades when I ask them for help).

Hmmmm, it just occurred to me that I may have created a new technique, "melon floating." That should be worth a doctorate, shouldn't it?

Well, let me know when I should fly down to sign the paperwork.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Here's a course you'll never see at BYU.


  1. General, Sir:

    This ain't "Helmet Tips" but it's goshdarned fucking close. Put it in and not move? How do you get back out?

  2. Keep everything out of the hole except the ball.

  3. General, Sir:

    Duff Tittle? Is that a fersure real name? I mean it doesn't sound like a PPPPP* instructional video actor's name, but ya can't never tell.

    *Personal Pro-active Prostate Protection Program. My doctor tells me that studies have confirmed that "sexual activity" (up to and including onanism), while it may not be for the soul, is great way to keep that walnut sized gland from "goin' grapefruit" on ya.

    Hey, Sir, are those souvenir, "Jesus' Army in a Jar" Stong Shoulder Mason's still available through the website?

  4. Duff Titties has a powerful name. Traditionally it has a two meanings 'She whose breasts are too small' for a girl and for a male 'Boy with large manboobies'.
    Considering Duff is male, it is clear his bitterness about being unattractive has had an outward expression on a jock who managed to get some.

  5. Duff Titties has a powerful name. Traditionally it has a two meanings 'She whose breasts are too small' for a girl and for a male 'Boy with large manboobies'.

    By that measure, Australia's gotta lotta Tuff Ditties.

  6. Bukko,

    I read that article in that pinkocommie rag, The Age. Sure, like there are ChiComs with 10 toes and 5 heads,the ole Bearded Lady and that famous guy Herm Afrodite who is both man and not-man, God makes us a few freaks so we can have circuses.
    Taunting those who are different to us is what God wants.
    There are just some guys with manboobies. Duff Titties is one of those poor souls who God wants us to taunt. It is His divine will.
    The rest of those with apparent manboobies just drink too much beer.

  7. Brother BC, if you're still listening, it has come to my attention that there is a website called "Manboobz." But aside from the muscular bloke in a leopard-skin budgie-smuggler at the top, I don't see any!


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.