Jesus' General

About the General

Although this is my first attempt at blogging--I think Glenn Reynolds is a true man of God-- I've been posting to usenet for years. Here's an old post that tells you a little about me.

A few years back, I was illegally incarcerated by the government tax Gestapo. At first I thought I'd be OK. My fellow prisoners acted as if they liked me. One even said that he thought I had a purdy mouth.

I soon found out how wrong I was. They were all guvmint agents. As soon as the lights were dimmed for the night, they jumped me. Before long, they had pulled down my pants and were proceeding to place a large object deep inside me.

Now, I'm just a simple soldier, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that they were trying to implant some kind of tracking device -- just like they did with Tim McVeigh. It soon became obvious, however, that they were inexperienced in the implantation of such devices, because they each tried to repeat the process after another had finished. This went on all that night and for the next two nights in which I was held in that cell. After I was released, I had myself x-rayed to find the device, but it wasn't there. I guess they never did get it implanted correctly. Thank God the guvmint is so inefficient.

NOTE: After publishing this, I felt guilty about not telling the whole story, so I published the following.

I think it's time to come clean about my implant ordeal. As you may recall, while incarcerated by the infernal revenue service, I was the victim of repeated attempts by guvmint agents disguised as inmates to place a transmitter deep inside my rectum. That isn't the whole story.

Apparently they did something to me that messed up my "little soldier". Since those three long sweaty harrowing nights, I have not been able to fulfill my duties as a husband. This has caused me tremendous grief. I'm constantly depressed because of it.

About the only thing that makes me feel better at all is to go out shopping for new weaponry. Since I've had this problem with my little soldier, I've bought a .44 magnum Ruger Super Blackhawk revolver with a 14 inch barrel. It's a huge and powerful weapon, and that barrel is the longest barrel I've ever seen. It's absolutely humongous. I thought about buying a .44 automag instead, but the barrels on those things are puny in comparison. I wanted a powerful pistol with a huge barrel.

I also bought a 10 gauge magnum semi-automatic ithaca shotgun. Gosh that thing is powerful. It's absolutely huge, and it can spit it's whole load in seconds if you pull the trigger fast enough. It's incredible. Everyday, I shoot that baby until my shoulder is a pulsating mass of quivering tissue.

Buying weapons is about the only joy I have any more now that the little soldier has went AWOL. Well, I guess it's not completely true that it never works, because he does come to attention sometimes, but only during the oddest moments like when I'm watching one of my videos from my vast collection of gladiator movies.