Jesus' General

Saddam's Secret Weapon

Have you ever noticed that when you see Saddam on TV, you're eyes immediately travel to the bulge in his crotch? It's absolute proof that he's in league with Satan, and by extension, Osama bin Laden. Secretary of State Powell should point this out as more proof of the ties between Saddam and bin Laden. It's as damning a bit of evidence as that tape he told us about a few days back.

Anyway, I've noticed that Satan -- a name that sounds kind of like Saddam if you think about it -- often does this to good God-fearing heterosexual Christian men like myself. He'll force us to look at pretty men's bulges on the TV. It's all part of his plan to destroy America and Christianity.

Sometimes, he puts these subliminal commands in shows like "The Bachelor" and "The Drew Carey Show" where you start staring at these bulges and strange weird thoughts about cucumbers and those polish dogs you buy at Costco begin to enter into your mind. Soon you find yourself leaving your trailer and going to a bar where everyone is hairy and dressed up like bikers, but nobody owns a motor cycle.

Days later you wake up all bloody and sticky and smelling of stale beer and cigarettes and you realize that Satan has tricked you again. The shame becomes nearly unbearable. You cannot bear to look Christian people in the eyes, so you go into the city to see that big man who will spank you if you pay him money. The punishment brings you back to reality. It's your redemption. You're all right.

Then you see that son of a bitch Saddam on the TV, standing there teasing you with his crotch.