Jesus' General

Letter to Northwest Airlines Directors

Dear Director,

I just finished reading about how your company provided its customer's personal information to the government. Now, most of your passengers might call that an invasion of privacy. They're likely to be very angry that you were turning over such information at the very moment you were denying doing so.

I say screw them. You were facing a financial crisis. You needed those very same customers to bail you out with their tax dollars. Who are they to think they'd be able to get off with a simple mugging. They should have known you'd need something to barter with, and all you had as currency was their personal info.

I'm a bit worried that you might suffer a backlash for this, but I think I have an idea that'll keep those dollars rolling in. I'm talking about medical information.

Think about it. Passengers leave a little bit of hair on their seats when they travel. You can collect it after every flight and match it to the individual to whom the seat was assigned. You'll be able to collect all kinds of data for that person, things like genetic information, drug use etc. Insurance companies would pay a fortune for it.

But why stop there. Why not offer your customers a new service, bathroom attendants. You could send them into the restrooms to collect stool and urine specimens after each use. Of course you'd market this service as a commitment to making your passenger's flying experience more enjoyable. I can see the ad copy now, "Fly Northwest, we have the cleanest toilets this side of heaven." It's win/win. Not only will your corporate image improve, you'll also have more information to trade.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot