Jesus' General

Hello and/et bonjour. This is LCol. H.G. Spectre signing in for duty while the General is off on his search for spiritual cleansing. Always happy to help a military friend in need when they’re called upon in the name of the greater cause.

So, I hear you thinking, “Who the hell is this cheese-eating foreigner?” Relax friends, I’m lactose intolerant. Brie makes my rear flank collapse.

Yes, I hail from the fifty-first State (God willing/Dieu d’accord oui ok) of you (vous or tu depending on how well you want to know me) but avec beaucoup d’respect to the General, we’re only partially French. Hell, would we have lasted this long against the forceful penetration of your culture if we were a bunch of Nazi-collaborating surrender-monkeys? I think not! Zut alors!

I come by my knowledge of the French language legitimately. Hours of Government-paid training, bilingual product labels and the constant air-raid squeal of Celine Dijon. Despite the unfortunate death of my first wife, I’m no Ted Hughes of languages. But I can order a baguette without arriving home to discover a bag of panty liners, eh? No problemo.

My bilingualism makes me double jointed in the tongue (the General has always admired my ability to French) for military duties. In fact the General and I met while I was on assignment to decrypt copies of Le Monde (that means “our planet”) for your military intelligence units.

Oh the sheer manly joy of those keg nights, laughing into the early hours, comparing stories about shore leave, manoeuvres, and the occasional impromptu (that’s French for “stuff that happens when you’re drunk) wrestling matches in the barracks. I have so many warm memories of our time together.

I’ll do my best, as I always have, to watch the General’s rear. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have about my country and our strange ways (I know for most of you, it’s so far away and exotic, it’s like a completely different country. Trust me, Steven Harper will change that).

And by the way, my manly scale goes up to 11. Just thought you'd want to know.

Yours in Manhood,

LCol. H.G. Spectre