Jesus' General

No Gay Time For All

Finally, a break in the insanity. The Massachusetts Legislature (maybe it's my French training but I've always had trouble pronouncing this proud state's name - I won't elaborate for fear that Johnny is fully recovered and back to beating the bushes for "those kinda words") gave preliminary approval for a state amendment banning man-on-man and gal-on-gal marriages. In California, they've put a plug in the wide-open, inviting office of the officials who have been churning out these unholy, double-backed beasts. The San Francisco treat indeed!

This is a proud step forward to protect our way of living mes amis droits. How much longer can we stand the unrelenting onslaught of these couples, whipped up in a frenzy of commitment, "love", dirty dishes and bickering at Home Depot (Despot d' Maison), shoving their perverse domestic affairs down our throats? Pas plus longtemps, eh?

But some of our fellow soldiers are faltering, I'm afraid to report. Yes, there is still the unholy allure of the gal-on-gal sideshow. Take for instance the interview with 50 Cent ($1.63 CAN). In Playboy (love the articles), he's quoted as saying, "I ain't into faggots, I don't like gay people around me, because I'm not comfortable with what their thoughts are. I'm not prejudiced. I just don't go with gay people and kick it - we don't have that much in common. I'd rather hang out with a straight dude."

He added: "But women who like women, that's cool."

Testify Bro! Anytime I meet one who wants to 'kick it' with me, I can just hear what they're thinking. "Oh, my God, he's so hot! Look at that tight ass. Who needs a good hard pounding bent over a pool table?" All the time we're discussing the state of the Middle East and the economy. It's a trick. At any point they could try to distract you with colour swatches and before you know it they're playing dental check-up with your little soldier! But what's with the chick thang?

Even more disturbing is the interview with Tucker Carlson, CNN's Crossfire missile of all that's Right. (Note to Tucker: If gals were mosquitoes, a bow-tie is like dipping your ballsack in DEET.) He too has fallen for the false god of action on the Isle of Lesbos. "One area of liberal phenomenon I support is female bisexuality -- this apparent increased willingness of girls to bring along a friend. That's a pretty good thing." Dude, you have to get the first one to show up. But I digress... Even worse, this little pseudo-Conservative pussy wants Laura Ingraham over Ann Coulter! Can't take a bit of rough action, eh? Afraid to chip your nail polish?

Ann Coulter is hot, man! She's the closest thing to Dick in a skirt anyone could imagine. I often fantasize about her and yours truly in a cabin, candle light, a beaverskin rug, some Malox, and an endless evening of watching her Adam's Apple bob up and down while she expounds on her dream of seeing the New York Times go poof. Sometimes, in my dreams she climbs on top and starts to call me a dirty little traitor, a naughty Liberal who needs a lesson in how to be really bad. But I digress...

This has got to stop. Get a grip 50. Wake up Tucker. Keep it up and you'll find the Clenis(TM) in your medicine cabinet and a Hillary mirkin on your bedside table. Enough said.

Yours in Manhood,
LCol. H.G. Spectre