Jan Crouch's makeup secrets

One of my readers recently asked me about my evil twin, Antichrist Bob. Bob ran a web site called "Antichrist Bob's Family Fun Pages" where he discussed how hard it is for a young, ambitious antichrist to find time to be with his family.

Although I've stopped communicating with my twin because he's Jesus' sworn enemy, I still have some of his letters. In one, he included a note from Trinity Broadcasting Network's Jan Crouch in which she discusses one of her makeup secrets. Our love for Jan is the only thing we can both agree upon--Bob, because he thinks she's basically evil, and me, because I'm certain that her husband, Paul, speaks for Jesus.

Anyway, here's her makeup secret:

The first step in becoming beautiful is plastic surgery. After that, comes makeup. Here's my secret recipe for the foundation I use.

Take 56 lbs. of pure coarse sand, 42 lbs. of pure fine sand; mix them together, and moisten them thoroughly with lime-water.

Add 14 lbs. of pure freshburnt lime to the wetted sand, and while beating it up together add, in successive portions, 14 lbs. of bone-ash.

The quicker and more perfectly these materials are beaten together, and the sooner they are used, the better will be the foundation.

Sometimes, depending on your pores, you might want to just use fine sand or course sand, exclusively. When doing so remember that you need to add more lime to finer sand.