The wind cries Mary

Mary Kiffmeyer
Minnesota Secretary of State

Dear Madame Secretary,

One of the saddest days of my life was when your husband, Ralph, was defeated in his efforts to outlaw dildos. It drove a dark shaft deep within my being and shook me to the core. It caused me to question whether people like us would ever be able to make a difference in what my grandmother called "this wicked, wicked world."

Then, you were elected to the office of the Secretary of State. At first, I was wary--it seemed sinful for a woman to work outside of the home in a way that upstaged her husband--but your good works have turned me into your greatest supporter.

You've accomplished much. You inherited an office which irresponsibly encouraged people to participate in the election process and turned it 180 degrees around.

You've put up protective barriers to keep brown people from casting votes.

You threatened an alternative newspaper (and we all know what "alternative" is code for, don't we) with legal action for registering voters. And you did in a way that paid homage to Our Glorious Leader--that is without legal authority and for purely political reasons.

You acted to assist the insane by limiting their voting options to just Republican candidates. Unfortunately, activists judges gave them an alternative when they ordered you to put the Independence Party back on the ballot, but at least you tried.

Finally, you've dictated that signs be put in every poling place to scare the voters as they wait in line to exercise their franchise. These signs, warning voters to be on the lookout for terrorists at the polling site, will certainly provide that impulse voting boost Our Leader needs to win. After all, the opinion polls tell us that a scared voter is a Republican voter.

The signs also remind the voters of the threat posed by a masculine bulge. It's a threat so seductive that even the most God-fearing men are unable to resist it until it is too late. I know, because it brings me to my knees almost every time.

If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Thanks to Adam for the tip.