A war for Condi

Colin Powell, who's greatest moment as Secretary of State was the day he boldly displayed his pictures of Saddam's balloon inflation trucks to the UN, made one last reach for a legacy this week when he laid claim to his own set of apocalypse peddling dissidents. Colin had finally matched his rival, Rummy. He can now return home and assure his friends that his Iranians were better than Rummy's Iranian employed Iraqis.

Unfortunately, Colin's greed leaves the new Secretary of State, Our Leader's lusty handmaid, Ofgeorge, dissidentless. She'll need to look elsewhere for an indigenous intelligence organization willing to push us into war by stoking our fears with tales of impending nuclear annihilation.

I know just the dissidents for the job, Robert McKay and his Pender Island Congress.

I met McKay last month at a Burl Ives Fanvention in Anacortes, Washington. We were both standing in line, waiting for tickets to see Ives' greatest film, Follow Me Boys, when someone mentioned that Ives was a fan of gladiator movies. McKay immediately started quoting Charlton Heston in a scene from Ben Hur and I answered, playing the Tony Curtis slave boy role. We became instant friends and I invited him to come to my place for a weekend of gladiator movies and spartan-style wrestling.

I learned his story that weekend. He was from a prominent conservative family in Pender Island, British Columbia. Their fortunes changed once liberals took over the local government. The traitors moved quickly against the family, falsely accusing them of drug dealing. Where once McKay was a gentleman farmer whose crop of something called BC bud had earned him respect throughout the Pacific Northwest, he was now a fugitive from his homeland.

When he saw my shrine to Ahmad Chalabi, he told me that he still has supporters back on the island. They are ready to retake control if they can find friends in the U.S. government to back them. Then he told me something that made my blood run cold--The Pender Island regime is building nuclear weapons.

We need to get this information to Secretary of State nominee Ofgeorge. I know that she'll bring it to the attention of Our Leader. The fact that they're building weapons of mass destruction should be enough reason to go to war, but if it isn't, we could also remind The Chosen One that it is an opportunity to succeed where another President failed. James Buchanan could have taken Pender Island in the Pig War, but he stopped short, saying that the Canadian pig's invasion of an American garden had been avenged by the killing of said porker. This is Our Leader's chance to show America that he is a better, more manly president than the appeasnik Buchanan. I'm sure he won't let us down.