Getting their freep on

Last week, USA Today founder Al Neuharth wrote in his column that it is time to bring the troops home. His treasonous act did not go unnoticed. Patriots from across the country sprung into action immediately and bombarded the treacherous fiend with a blitzkrieg of threatening email. Lafayette points us to a collection of their boldly resolute letters.

I tracked down a few of these patriots and wrote them congratulatory notes. Their original words and my responses appear below.

Frank Butash, West Hartford, CT.: "Apparently it's easier to run with jackals than to stand up for your country when it needs support."

Frank Butash
Free Republic, Connecticut Chapter

Dear Mr Butash,

I really enjoyed your letter to Al Neuharth. I'm in complete agreement with your point that the only way to support our country is to sacrifice our sons and daughters for the greater glory of Our Leader. Those who would suggest otherwise are guilty of the worst kind of crime, a lack of faith in the Administration's ability to eventually do something right.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Joe McBride, Fort Dodge, Iowa: "Mr. Neuharth, thanks to you and your ignorance the terrorists are probably booking their flights to the U.S. now! If we pull out of Iraq with the job unfinished the terrorists will be bombing McDonalds, and blowing up malls and schools here, killing our innocent men, women and children."

Joe McBride
Fort Dodge, Iowa

Dear Mr. McBride,

Your letter to Al Neuharth was absolutely correct. The terrorists hate us because we have hamburgers. If we don't fight the Iraqis on their own soil, they'll be bombing fast food joints and mall food courts throughout America. I don't even want to think about the depraved acts they have planned for Ronald McDonald, but I bet falafels are involved.

Thank God we ended our war against Al Qaeda before these Iraqi bastards had a chance to take hold of our whoppers.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian Patriot

Duggan Flanakin, Austin, Texas: "Neuharth should be tried for treason along with a lot of other blowhards who should be spending their energies condemning the barbarism of our enemies, the same people who destroyed the Twin Towers."

Duggan Flanakin
EI News

Dear Mr. Flanakin,

Your letter to Al Neuharth filled me with joy. I thought that I was the only person left who still believed that the Iraqis were responsible for the attacks on the Twin Towers and the Pentagon--even Our Leader has backed away from such claims. Now, I see that you share this belief.

I understand that you are somewhat involved in the "Sound Science" Movement. That doesn't surprise me. Such work requires the same kind of analytical abilities we see in your letter.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot