My work as a GOP Team Leader has finally paid off. Halliburton's hired me to distribute tuna sandwiches during the event. Three cents a sandwich may not add up to a lot of money, but I get to be at the center of a great event. They even gave me a copy of the schedule.
Schedule of Inaugural Events
9:00 A. M. - Catholic League president William Donohue delivers the invocation, asking the Lord to smite the anal-sex loving Jews in Hollywood.
9:30 - Donald Rumsfeld uses an AT4 Light Anti-Armor Weapon to destroy a tank, thus proving his contention that armoring Humvees is not all that important. The families of any attendees killed during this demonstration will receive a thank you letter personally stamped with Sec. Rumsfeld's signature by an E-4 in the Pentagon's mail office.
10:00 - Alberto Gonzalez does an interpretive dance based on his torture memos.
10:30 - Secretary of State nominee Condoleeza Rice pays tribute to her husband by reading an original poem called, "I Guess They Weren't Kidding When They Said that Bin Laden was determined to attack inside the U.S."
10:45 - Zell Miller issues dueling challenges to anyone in the audience who he deems to be giving him "homosexual looks."
Noon - The effectiveness of the use of Clean Coal Technology to make mercury not only safer but tastier is demonstrated when mercury-tainted tuna sandwiches are served to attendees. Although this lunch is free, the fine folks at Hallibuton, the official caterer of the inaugural ceremonies, will assess each attendee $675.72 in handling fees.
12:30 - Cheney Chief of Staff, Scooter Libby, betrays the names of every covert agent in the CIA and thus preempts their spouses from weakening our national resolve by embarrassing the Administration.
1:00 - Singer Toby Keith salutes Our Leader by singing a medley of songs as he takes his annual bath.
1:15 - Sen. Bill Frist explains Social Security reform by dissecting a cat.
2:30 - EPA Director and HHS Nominee Mike Leavitt pays tribute to Our Leader's "Healthy Forest" and "Clear Skies" initiatives by presiding over the chopping down and burning of every tree in the national mall.
3:00 - Vice President Richard "Dick" Cheney speaks about family values. He'll also proudly announce that his daughter, Mary, is engaged to Ken Mehlman.
3:30 - House Majority Leader Tom Delay leads the audience in a loyalty oath to Our Leader.
3:35 - Rush Limbaugh leads the audience in the loyalty oath again, but this time the name "Tom DeLay" is not substituted for "George W. Bush."
3:40 - Former First Lady Barbara Bush leads the audience in the oath yet once again. This time the name "George W. Bush" replaces the words "my hillbilly heroin dealer."
3:45 - Saudi Ambassador Prince Bandar introduces Our Leader and then waits patiently while the President finishes reading My Pet Goat.
4:07 - Depending on the quality of his newly purchased 278 billion dollar Halliburton "No-Bulge" Personal Communications System, our Leader gives an address that either touts his agenda for the next four years or is the play by play broadcast for the Redskins game. He ends his speech with a rare pre-session recess appointment naming Bernard Kerik to the Washinton DC Court of Appeals. Our Leader sites Kerik's commitment to family values as the reason for the appointment. Members of the Gambino, Genovese, Luchese, Columbo, and Bonnano families are brought onto the stage to express their grattitude.
4:30 - Our Leader is sworn into the office by Judge Bernard Kerik.