I've been trembling with rage since I saw Saturday Night Live's vicious little puppet show a couple of nights ago. Obviously, the Hollywood elite in New York wants to destroy your credibility as a spokesman for American Christian values.
Do not worry. Your fans certainly saw right through SNL's lies. We've seen your pictures and we know that your jaw is hooked to your face by flesh and bone, not hinges, and we're aware that there are no spaces between your chin and your cheeks. We also know that you shot-up hillbilly heroin like a pro and didn't swallow pills like some common housewife feeding her jones. Robert Smigel and the rest of the SNL gang did not fool us.
Smigel and his ilk fail to understand is that you have enough wealth to abuse opiates responsibly. You were never in danger of whoring yourself to feed your habit--although I'm sure that if you had, you would have showed your johns what it means to have talent on loan from God. You paid for your fix with money legitimately earned in the pursuit of the American dream.
You also shot your drugs in the privacy of your home, so that you could lie in your own vomit while surrounded in the comfort of your luxuriously equipped bathroom rather than behind some dingy dumpster where people would be exposed to your wretchedness. I call that class. That's what separates you from the dirty junkies you've mocked on your show for so many years.
Drudge reports that an SNL producer is outraged by Smigel's piece. Perhaps next time they'll do it right by showing you wallowing in vomit with a needle sticking out of your arm rather than a handful of pills in your hand. Let's hope so. People need to know that you've never settled for half-measures.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot