Lest we forget the bonobo's immorality

Angie Zeigler-Yingling
Eric Riddle
Ronald Short
Sherrie Leber
Alan Bonsell
Heather Geesey
Bill Buckingham
Pastor Eric Rowand
Boardmembers, Dover School Board

Dear Boardmembers

I was sorry to hear that your decision to teach creationism has prompted a lawsuit. Don't worry. Your attorney's strategy of portraying it as an education rather than a religious issue is sound. I'm sure that Our Lord Jesus will help you carry out this deception by wiping the judge's memory clear of the statements you've made in the past. No one in the court will remember that Mr. Buckingham recently declared, "This country was founded on Christianity and our students should be taught as such," or that Pastor Rowand once noted, "If the Bible is right, God created us.If God did it, it's history and it's also science."

Once you win this case, you'll need to fully implement the policy. I'm worried about your ability to do so. I have serious reservations about the textbook you've chosen, Of Pandas and People.

Sure, the authors get it right in places. Their takedown of the Darwinists' misclassification of the tasmanian wolf is brutal in it's simplicity. While secular biologists cite the tasmanian wolf's skull structure, pouch, musculature, and the fossil record as reasons for not placing it in the wolf family, the authors are quick to note that the word "wolf" is part of the animal's name. Not only is that pure genius, it also recognizes the American language's place as the ultimate scientific tool.

Unfortunately, the book is plagued with problems as well. It appears that the Darwinists have been somewhat successful in intimidating the authors. The bold ideas put forth in the first edition--things like amphibian turtles and grazing giraffes--are nowhere to be found in the second. It's a near-surrender as far as I'm concerned.

I'd also hoped that at some point they'd take on the immorality of the bonobos, an ape many Darwinists consider to be our closest relative. After seeing the changes in the second edition, my dreams have been dashed. The job of denouncing the bonobos' deviant lifestyle, complete with such crimes against God as make-up sex and penis fencing, must be left to others.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot