Fighting Spongebob wherever he raises his filthy osculum

I take on Spongebob in the comments at the Conservative Voice:

Dear Editor,

Dr. Dobson is absolutely right. The demon of homosexuality seizes control of my will every time I see Spongebob Squarepants. When I come back to my senses, I find a household sponge impaled on my little soldier. That, in itself, sends me into fits of guilt-ridden horror. The fact that there is always a crudely drawn bearded face on the sponge launches me into a depression so deep that I can only find peace by actively discriminating against homosexuals.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

I also come to the defense of Sheriff Holcolm.

Dear Editor,

I support Sheriff Holcomb in his war against the Lavender Menace. He knows the power of homosexuality's siren song. We can never let our guard down against it. The moment we do, their recruiters will tempt us with tastefully designed toasters and Spongebob Squarepants merchandise. Before we know it, we will be dipping our little soldiers in Satan's well of abomination. Then, we are lost until we seek forgiveness through the redemptive powers of the Rod of Correction (I pay a man $50 to beat my bare behind with a special spatula until it's raw and bloody--it's expensive, but it gets me right with the Lord).

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Letters to the Sheriff

Bring back the days when "homosexuality was very queer"

Hellhounds on my trail

Letters about Spongebob's video homofest

Lenny the Shark has many, many friends

Keep me cockatoo cool