My freeping penpal

Frank Butash
Free Republic, Connecticut Chapter

Dear Mr. Butash,

Thank you for responding to my email. It's an honor to correspond with a true freeping patriot like yourself.

You touched on a number of subjects in your letter. I'll try to address each one separately. Your note begins:

Hey General,

Happy to see you had the intelligence to quote me.

It wasn't too difficult, intelligence-wise. All I did was follow Lafayette's link. Of course, I also followed the basic rules of spy-craft and disguised myself by dressing up like Carmen Miranda. I removed the bananas from the hat, first. It's an evil fruit, a long, yellow, slightly-curved seducer of good men. I've found that it's best to not have them around.

But, what the hell is(are) your point(s)?

I thought my points were obvious. I enjoyed your email to Neuharth and I agree that it is better to sacrifice our children to Our Leader's Iraqi dream than to cut our losses and leave--that is as long as we are not called upon to make our own sacrifices. It is better that we stay home and build an official ideological orthodoxy for the Glorious Christian Cultural Revolution.

And what's this "heterosexually yours"? Could it be ... ? Nahhhh.

Yes, it could be. I'm a heterosexual. I close all my letters that way so that there is no confusion about that. It's very important to me that people know that I'm straight. Really, I am, so if you are trying to imply something else. You can go straight to Hell.

Oh, and don't believe a thing Cletus says. He's a damned liar.

Your comment "I'm in complete agreement with your point that the only way to support our country is to sacrifice our sons and daughters for the greater glory of Our Leader. Those who would suggest otherwise are guilty of the worst kind of crime, a lack of faith in the Administration's ability to eventually do something right ..."

Nahh, THEY are guilty of garden variety ignorance. There is no "only way" to support our country.

You're right. We can also support our country by crushing dissent wherever we find it. As a member of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders and admirer of the work of the Free Republic chapters, I'm embarrassed that I did not mention it.

But there are people who contribute to a solution and those, mostly Liberals, Democrats and other anti-American fungi, who contribute to the problem. In the case of our War in Iraq, they can't wait to display their beet-red, baboon ass, and submit at any cost to any threat.

They're always displaying their beet-red, baboon asses to me. Sure, they cover them with tight jeans, but I know they're there, tempting me beyond my will to resist their siren song. "General," they each sing, "I've become swollen and scarlet for you. Please plow my garden of glory." Being mortal, I am weak and I succumb to their unnatural enticements. Once spent, I repent and accept the Lord's punishment from a man who spanks me for a fee. That's why I hate the French. That's why we must destroy them.

What I wrote to Mr. Neuharth was "what are you going to do if the Iraqi's [sic] follow you home?".

They're always following me home. They want my trailer. They hate us because our homes are mobile. They're very tricky. They come to my door asking me if I've ever heard the story of Joseph Smith or how Our Lord, Jesus, once visited America. I respond by exercising my Second Amendment right to shoot people who frighten me. I bet that girly-man, Neuharth, just kicks their butts off his property. What a wimp.

You all are entitled to your fantasies as long as they don't threaten my life or well being. In my opinion, we are not killing the "Muslim (Allah be praised, etc.)" "Terrorists" (cowards, thugs, murderers ashamed to show their faces ...) fast enough.

You're absolutely right. There are a billion Muslims in this world. We're killing them at a rate that falls far below their replacement capacity. Our pilots cannot drop enough bombs from their anonymous perches. We should use our Christian (washed in the blood of Jesus, etc.) ingenuity to industrialize the process by employing high capacity gas chambers and crematoria.

Like with cockroaches, you don't wait for them to show up at your feet to spray them to their 72 heavenly virgins. You find out where they sleep and kill them in their huddle.

Yes, "nits make lice." It is time for a final solution to the Muslim problem. Then they will no longer be around to hate our freedom.

Chaque a son gout.

French! How dare you soil my comments with that treacherous tounge? I suppose you also eat their toast and fried potatoes. I've lost a lot of respect for you.

Methinks you are chagrined that Bush has turned out to be a genuine American Hero and Patriot worthy of a 300 pidgeon [sic] statue in any park any time.

Yes, Our Leader is indeed worthy of at least a 300 pigeon statue in the park. It would become the perfect monument to Him as each day the pigeons would add a little more of His essence to His visage.

How much do I owe you for the visit, Doc?

Buy the whole line of my 1984/2004 tees.

Thanks,

Frank Butash
West Hartford, CT, 06119
860-232-7173

This can mean only one thing. You are giving me the highest honor a warrior can give to another, an invitation to engage me in Spartan-style wrestling. I am honored to accept. There is noting I'd like more that to press my naked flesh against yours in the tradition of our Greek forbearers. I'll bring my new widescreen version of Spartacus, a gallon of cooking oil, and a bunch of bananas.

(Your, I mean, you're not REALLY a General, are you?)

Yes, I'm a general in the Red Guard of the Glorious Christian Cultural Revolution. As Our Leader commands, we will rid America of the "Four Olds," tolerance, compassion, liberty, and reason.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot