If it's good enough for Allah worshippers...

Steve Haymond
Child Training Resources for Biblical Parenting

Dear Mr. Haymond,

Your chastisement instrument is a godsend. It never breaks no matter how often or how hard you apply biblically-based discipline to an unruly child. Other than The Rod, which is no longer being produced, I can't think of another child beating tool that can make the same claim. Certainly, Joey Salvati's cheap little paddle can't match it, although, I suppose that when broken, the slivers leave the child with a lasting memory of his parents' love.

You can't beat the price either. Your chastisement instrument may cost seventy-five cents more than Salvati's paddle, but its indestructibility basically makes it a one-time expenditure.

That said, Salvati's paddle comes with something your instrument doesn't, extras like a an appointment slip you can give your child hours before the beating. I think it adds a delightful psychological dimension to the punishment.

You might suggest that your customers wear a leather mask when they beat their children. That would scare the heck out of the little sinners. They could hood them too. If it's good enough for the false-God worshipping Iraqis, it's good enough for god-fearing, white, Christian Children.

He also offers a handy matrix for determining the number of strokes the child should get: one stroke for disrespect, five for smoking, etc. You should consider doing something along the same lines. Since your site is praiseful of the Lord, you could write your matrix in a scriptural voice like this "Thou must beat thine child twice for the sin of taking Lord God's name in vain. Two shall be the number of the beating and the beating of the counting shall be two. Three beatings shalt thou not apply, neither shalt thou beat once, excepting that thou then proceedeth to the second." You get the idea.

You might also consider adding a copy of Richard Aaron Lynley's fine article, In Praise of Spankings for the Teenage Boy. It has one of the best descriptions I've seen anywhere of what a good biblically-based beating should be:

Now we neither refer to nor condone the spanking that consists of a frustrated short barrage of "no-hurt" swats on the seat of the pants that can easily foster ridicule and disrespect for authority...Nor do we mean the inconsistent anger-initiated beating which erupts from unpredictable authoritative mood swings based upon varying standards with undefined limits for acceptable behavior. Such impulsive "discipline" merely fosters resentment born of confusion from mixed signals in an atmosphere of inconsistency and irrational violence. NO, we are referring to a proper SPANKING...A suitable spanking measured in terms of the deed and the need must then be calmly administered on bared buttocks with firm methodical determination and brisk stinging vigor in harmony with a stern lecture on the points at hand. The spanking should sting and embarrass the boy into a state of genuine submissive penitence...leaving him crying, apologizing and promising reform.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

cc: Joey Salvati