Suicide solution

Charles Curie
Director, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

Dear Mr. Curie,

I understand that you are receiving a lot of criticism for removing the words "gay," "lesbian," and "bisexual" from the title of a conference on suicide prevention for gays, lesbians, and bisexuals. I think it's the right move. More than that, it's the Christian thing to do.

Naming the groups in the conference's title would be a tacit endorsement of sodomy. That could lead these people to believe that there's nothing shameful about being a homosexual. By removing these words, you send the message that there is something terribly wrong with homosexuality--it's so bad in fact, it can't even be mentioned in polite company. It will reinforce your target audience's feelings of worthlessness and alienation. Those who resist the impulse to commit suicide will be more likely to eventually seek out reparative therapy as a way to escape their suffocating loneliness.

Congratulations, I think you might have stumbled upon the final solution to the homosexual problem.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot