Waddling into Hell

David L. Owens
Superintendent, Clay County School District

Dear Mr. Owens,

I salute you for denying Kelli Davis' request to wear a tuxedo in her yearbook picture. One needs only to look at the penguin world to see the danger tuxedos pose to traditional morality. Zoos from New Zealand to Germany are in the grips of a penguin homosexuality crisis even as I write this.

It's the black and white combination of colors that does it. That might seem counterintuitive given that traditional morality is often described as being black and white, but it's that kind of hard, firm, rock-solid absolutism that stirs a man's libidinous nature.

You know what I mean. You're old enough to remember the old Batman television series. Burgess Meredith as "The Penguin" was sexuality incarnate. It was impossible to resist impure thoughts when faced with the combination of his tight-fitting tuxedo and penguin waddle.

Just think what would happen if teenage boys were exposed to a girl wearing such attire. Thank God you've avoided that.

Now of course there will be those who condemn you for contributing to the alienation Miss Davis feels because of her homosexuality, but that's a good thing. It's the everyday indignities and constant humiliation that'll eventually put her on the road to reparative therapy. Sure, it's a gamble as to whether she'll be destroyed by the psychic damage we've inflicted upon her before then, but that's a risk we have to be willing to take.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot