Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Friday, March 11, 2005

A curiously strong body of Christ

The Very Reverend Monsignor Michael J. Wrenn
Institute of Religious Studies
Saint Joseph's Seminary

Dear Monsignor Wrenn,

As a fellow warrior for Christ, I know that I can depend on you to defend the Church against a heresy so fraught with evil, I tremble even as I write this letter. Only the knowledge that you have the fortitude to prevent this crime against God prevents me from pounding my head violently against a brick wall until all cares are obliterated by unconsciousness.

You have fought these battles many times before. Your defense of the catechism against the memory of Thomas Merton and the vile blasphemy of gender-neutral language is quickly becoming legendary. I have faith that you'll be successful in the fight you must soon undertake: the defense of the Host.

You see, the Danish Church is considering adding flavor to the Body of Christ. They speak of wafers which taste like a baguette made out of a mixture of wheat and rye flour--yes, a baguette, a bread as French as a Jeff Gannon clip reel.

Being Scandinavians, you know they won't stop there. How long will it be before they replace the wafer with a Mentos mint? Can Mentos every really be the Transubstantiationmaker®?

We need to head them off by introducing our own, American-style host. One that expresses our nation's recent rejection of feminism. We need a manly host, a curiously strong body of Christ, something that'll make you jump up from your kneeling position and scream, "holy Jesus!" I hope you'll agree that Altoids are the only available option.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The General tips his helmet to reader iocaste for the lead.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.