Membership has its privileges

Matthew J. Hogan
Director, US Fish and Wildlife Service

Dear Mr Hogan,

I've worked very hard to advance Our Leader's agenda. In addition to being a GOP Team Leader and an Operation TIPS informant, I devote three or four days each month to harassing dissidents while posing as a Secret Service agent. I think it's time I received something in return.

As the former chief lobbyist for Safari Club International (SCI), I'm sure that you know first hand how thrilling it is to kill rare animals. After all, that's what SCI is all about. Certainly, you've spent a lot of time arguing for the right of hunters to kill rhinoceros, tigers, and other rare species. I'd like to get a piece of that action.

I'm sure you've heard that at least one ivory-billed woodpecker has been spotted in the bayous of Arkansas. I want to put that woodpecker on the wall of my trailer. That'd sure shut Cletus up. He's always bragging about that freak mule dear head he has with 23 points on its antlers. There has to be a few dozen of those hanging on people's walls; nobody has an ivory-billed woodpecker.

I'd go down to Arkansas right now if I didn't think I'd run into trouble. There must be hundreds of birders and envirofrenchmen down there doing everything possible to protect that critter. They just don't understand that God provided this world and its creatures for our use. He'd be insulted if we refused to make the most of it.

It's like when we'd go over to grandma's for Thanksgiving. She'd work hard all week cutting up vegetables, making fresh cranberry sauce, and baking pies. Food left on our plates was like a repudiation of all her efforts. She'd scream and cry and torture the offending dinner guest with cattle prods and fireplace pokers. She once shot Uncle Jim Bob after he refused a slice of peach cobbler . I'm sure God feels the same way about endangered species--he wants us to enjoy them right into extinction.

Anyway, as the Director of the Fish and Wildlife Service, I'm sure you could do something to keep all those birders and envirofrenchmen out of the bayou while I'm hunting the woodpecker. Like I said, I've done a lot to help Our Leader promote his Agenda.

Of course, I understand that there are those who've done more. I can't compete with the likes Roger Ailes or Charles Schwab. I know I'll have to settle for something a little less exotic if they decide they want the bird for their own trophy rooms. If that's the case, I'd be happy to attend one of those Gitmo "interrogations" the Defense Department puts on for visiting politicians. They sound like a lot of fun.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot