Hawking Honeycakes with the Hammer

Majority Leader Tom DeLay
US House of Representatives

Dear Majority Leader DeLay,

Things haven't been easy for you lately. You're being attacked on every quarter by those who wish to destroy you. These days, it seems that your name cannot be spoken or written without words like "corrupt," "unethical," "vile," or "toad-faced-graft-maggot" being attached to it. I think that I can help you change that. All we need to do is soften your image. I have a plan to do just that.

As you may have heard, an Oklahoma house committee approved a bill, yesterday, to create a specialty license plate to raise money to buy body armor for Oklahomans serving in combat. You could do something similar to help soldiers from the other 49 states.

Don't worry. I'm not requesting any legislation from you. You've already made it clear through your lack of action that you don't think it's proper for the government to provide body armor for the troops. Instead, I think you ought to organize a bake sale.

Think about it. A bake sale would do wonders to soften your image, and by using the proceeds--minus an administrative fee, of course--to buy body armor for our soldiers, you'll be associated with a patriotic cause.

You won't have to do any of the baking and selling yourself. You can make other congresspeople do that. I hear Doc Hastings makes one heck of a cream puff (OK, the man never bathes, and the cream puffs taste funky, but dammit, he worships you--turn him loose in the kitchen). Just remember to keep Bob Ney away from the money.

All you need to do is stroll around the bake sale and charm people. That shouldn't be too hard as long as you're careful to avoid threatening the customers. Regale them, instead, with the story about how you wanted to go to Vietnam, but brown people took all of the spots. People love it.

I'd be glad to help in any way I can.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot