Transferable skills

Paul Gourley
Chairman Elect, College Republican National Committee

Dear Mr. Gourley,

Congratulations on your victory. It was a hard fought and very brutal campaign, but you came out on top. Now, you must follow the example set by your greatest predecessors, Karl Rove and Lee Atwater, and quickly crush those who opposed you. All it takes is one anonymous phone call to the FBI, or a friendly chat with Scooter Libby, and these pseudo-Republican fifth columnists will be eating lemon chicken at Gitmo while guards use their ears as ashtrays and their rectums as storage lockers.

I expect great things from you. Your reputation for squeezing every last penny out of senile seniors' bank accounts is now legendary. I have faith that you'll be just as successful in your new role.

Did you hear Tony Perkin's speech at the convention on Friday? He compared the work you're doing protecting America here at home with the fighting in which our soldiers are engaged in Iraq. That's most certainly true. Taking a punch at Joan Jett or exposing communists in academia advances the cause of freedom just as much as the summary execution of a wounded Iraqi in a Fallujah mosque.

But you could do so much more. I'm not asking you to enlist--I've finally realized that's not going to happen; you could get hurt. Instead, I think you need to take the skills you used in fundraising and apply them to helping out our troops in Iraq.

Take your flag pin gimmick for instance. Remember it? You asked elderly Americans "to send $1,000 together with an American flag pin for President Bush to wear to 'Republican Headquarters' to ensure that Bush knows 'there are millions who are giving him the shield of God to protect him in the difficult days ahead.'" From what I understand, it was a great success.

You could do the same thing for our troops by asking seniors to send you a lucky rabbit's foot and $1,000 so that you can send the charm to our soldiers to provide them with protection until their friends and family raise enough money to buy them body armor. Or better yet, what about a caribou foot? Are they lucky? They might be easier to get once we start drilling in the ANWR.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: I congratulate the College Republicans for making such a wise choice.