Pin up girls for an asymmetrical war

George W. Bush
President of the United States of America

Dear President Bush,

I'm sure you've heard that our military is suffering from a manpower crisis. In June, recruiters filled only forty-seven percent of the slots they needed to fill to remain on track to reach their annual quotas. We can't continue to meet the demands of our glorious war to bring freedom and usurious interest payments to the world's brown people unless something is done to reverse this trend.

A recent editorial in USA Today proposed a couple of things that, if implemented, could increase recruitment numbers. First, the editorial board suggested, you need to issue "[s]trong and sustained calls to service" to America's young people and their parents. Of course, we both know that isn't possible. It violates the basic principle of your governing style: "everything is free." You tell us that tax cuts, social security reform, environmental rollbacks, the war, and the rest of your policies will cost us nothing. That's why we so enthusiastically supported them. Asking for sacrifices now would undermine your administration--the government where "the grown-ups are in charge" would be required to take responsibility for its actions and the beautiful McMansion of cards it built would quickly topple.

USA Today's second suggestion was to have the First Daughters sign up. In support of this idea, the editors wrote:

Last fall, Charles Moskos of Northwestern University, a prominent expert on military manpower, asked a group of recruiters what would most help them: tripling bonuses or enlisting presidential daughter Jenna Bush.

The recruiters' choice was unanimous: Jenna Bush.

Again, we both know that's not going to happen. The twins might get killed or maimed, or worse yet, might fall in love with working class guys serving in order earn money to attend publicly-funded colleges. The war just isn't important enough to risk that.

That doesn't mean, however, that the twins shouldn't serve in another, less dangerous, way. I'm thinking of a special kind of service, a militaryesque, if you will, type of service. They could be the sole members of an elite morale-building branch of the military tasked with raising the spirits of our troops by doing nothing more than what they're doing now.

Think about it. They could become 21st century pinup girls. Their drunken escapades and public displays of unfettered lust are sure to distract our fighting men and women from their worries about IEDs and the absence of a coherent policy for fighting the war. The best thing about it is that they wouldn't have to leave their favorite clubs to do it. The only danger they'll face is alcohol poisoning or a bout of bad bong water induced diarrhea.

I'm sure the twins won't object to partying on the taxpayer's dime, and you'll be able to tell people that your own daughters are serving. It looks like a win-win for the Bush family to me.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot