Pitches

Mr and Mrs. Jason Apuzzo
Hollywood Patriots

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Apuzzo,

Mrs. Apuzzo's guest column in the LA Times made me very angry. It doesn't surprise me that Hollywood liberals are rejecting scripts written by god-fearing patriots like yourself, but one has to wonder why we haven't fought back by creating our own filmmaking infrastructure. Certainly, the Jack Abramoff produced film, Red Scorpion, proves that conservative propaganda films can be successful.

Financing shouldn't be a problem. There are millions of patriots out there who'd be very willing to kick in a few bucks if asked. A few blogathons at the Free Republic, Powerline, and Little Green Footballs should take care of it--a mention that you're current script takes on Islamo-fascism should guarantee millions from LGF, alone.

You should also ask the newly elected College Republican Chair, Paul Gourley, for fundraising advice. He raised more than 17 million as treasurer for the CRs during the last election cycle by very aggressively targeting patriots in the 80-100 years old age bracket. Certainly, his advice could prove very helpful to you.

Like I said, financing is the easy part. Picking the right film is much more difficult. While I agree that we need to see more Islamic villains on the big screen, I'm not sure your "realities of Islamo-fascism" script is the best way to go.

A large number of our leaders are in trouble right now. Perhaps we should create films that will provide them with a little help. Here are a few pitches for films that would do just that.

National Security -- A top White House aide teams up with a columnist to defend the president's honor by exposing a CIA agent and a CIA front company. Think All the President's Men with the President's men being the good guys. I see Jeff Gannon as Karl Rove and Shelly Winters as Bob Novak. Mrs. Apuzzo could play the positive immigrant maid who lets Mr. Rove's late night visitors into the White House.

Duke Cunningham, Capitalist Tool -- Rep. Duke Cunnigham rubs a flag and a lobbyist/genie appears, granting him the power to make ridiculously lucrative real estate deals. Duke uses this power to enrich himself through a series of house and boat deals and becomes a star on the conservative speakers circuit giving presentations about the rewards of hard work. Think I Dream of Jeanie crossed with Wall Street. I see Ernest Borgnine playing Duke and Mrs. Apuzzo playing the positive immigrant maid who sweeps up all the cash that falls out of visiting lobbyists' pockets.

They Fight Alone -- The untold story of the brave men who proudly wear the Cheeto-stained briefs of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders. In cold, damp basements across our nation, these courageous young men endure their mothers' nagging while fighting Islamo-fascism by flinging accusations of treason against Democrats. Think The Green Berets mixed with Beavis and Butthead. I see Cory Feldman as Ben Shapiro and Mrs. Apuzzo playing the positive immigrant maid Ben's mother hires to hose him down once a week.

The Passion of the Hammer -- The House Majority Leader is subjected to Gitmo interrogation techniques and then crucified by an activist judge who refuses to acknowledge the vital role that graft plays in a democratic society. Think The Passion of the Christ meets The Godfather. I see Randall Terry making his acting debut as Rep. DeLay and Mrs. Apuzzo playing the positive immigrant maid who the Majority Leader receives as a gift from a contributor in Saipan.

Triumph of the Will II -- A documentary about Our Leader's next speech to the National Religious Broadcasters' Convention. Think the original Triumph of the Will except in English. Mrs. Apuzzo, working as a positive immigrantesqe maid cleaning up at the convention, will be derided from the podium for working outside of the home.

Well, that's a start. Please don't hesitate to write me if you need more help.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot