The Manly Factor

Bill O'Reilly
The O'Reilly Factor

Dear Mr. O'Reilly,

I've always considered you to be one of the most manly man on the Fox News Channel, more manly even than Sean Hannity or John Gibson. Being a very manly man, myself, I feel like I share a special bond with you.

Our interests are similar as well. We both wholeheartedly support the war in Iraq; we oppose attempts to give homosexuals any special rights that would confer personhood upon them; and we love big, gas-guzzling SUVs.

Unfortunately, there are those who resent us for our manliness, and they are using our shared interests as a weapon to attack us. Yesterday, they released a study saying that men whose masculinity is challenged become more inclined to support war, buy an SUV, or hate homosexuals.

Of course that isn't true. We may love the war and big, powerful trucks and despise homosexuals, but that doesn't mean that we do so because people have questioned our masculinity. Who'd dare do such a thing? We'd kick their asses.

Sure, court documents suggest that you enjoy stimulating your prostate with a penis shaped vibrator, but that doesn't make you any less masculine. As far as I know there are no allegations that you engage in this activity while dressed like a Catholic schoolgirl--that would make it a problem.

I think we need to fight back. Perhaps you could invite me to be your sidekick on the O'Reilly factor. We could do masculine things like spit and punch each other's shoulder. Once a week, we could have other famous manly men like Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and John Bolton come onto the show and talk about their own vibrator techniques--that would certainly remove any stigma that there may be about prostate stimulation.

I can start any time. Please give it your consideration.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Helmet tip to iocaste.