Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Saturday, August 13, 2005


Rush Limbaugh
EIB Network

Dear Rush,

The silent majority has become the disloyal majority. They no longer believe in our glorious crusade to bring freedom to Iraq and are beginning to look upon those of us who promoted this magnificent adventure with skepticism. They wonder aloud why the privileged fight the war with yellow ribbons while the working class risk their lives for our dreams of empire.

Worse yet, they are now asking us to share the sacrifice. Yellow ribbons and "Support our Troops" barbecues are no longer seen as selfless acts of extreme courage. We're now expected to pick up rifles and fight in the infantry like so many dirty little proles.

We need to put an end to this kind of talk before we're left with no alternative but to call the recruiters. I think you can help us do that.

You used a pilonidal cyst (basically an ingrown hair on your butt) to avoid going to Vietnam. More importantly, you did so without damaging your prospects for becoming conservatism's brightest superstar.

There are many young conservatives who could benefit from the same thing. Good young men like Ben Shapiro, Paul Gourley, and Nathan Tabor could avoid the taunts of the rabble by following your example. Unfortunately, however, a boil on the butt just doesn't conjure up the same visions of disability it did in your day.

That's why I'm asking Our Leader to declare the month of September to be National Pilonidal Cyst Awareness Month. I hope you will consider becoming our spokesman. We need you to provide visibility for the cause, so that young conservatives can proudly answer their critics by declaring that they wanted to join the military butt were barred from doing so because they had pimply asses.

September is but a few weeks away. Please consider my request and respond promptly.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.