I know I said I'm unavailable, but damn it, I can't help myself.

Robert Novak
White House Enforcer

Dear Mr. Novak,

I'm concerned that you've had fewer exclusive character assassination pieces in your column as of late. It use to be that when Mr. Rove wanted somebody done in, he'd give you first crack at the job. And you did the job well, your betrayals of Valerie Plame and the CIA front for which she worked were Machiavellian masterpieces.

Over the last few months, however, it seems that Mr Rove is giving you the very same assignments he gives other reporters. It's as if he no longer deems you worthy of an exclusive hit. I think I know a way for you to regain his trust.

As you know, the attacks on Governor Blanco and Mayor Nagin have not born fruit. I'm sure Mr. Rove is desperately looking for someone else to blame. You can supply him with that scapegoat.

Over the Summer, the Presidential Prayer Team for Kids tasked America's children to pray for Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff and FEMA chief Michael Brown and ask the Lord to give these men wisdom as they exercised their responsibilities. Obviously, the children of America failed miserably--the Chertoff-Brown Team reacted to Katrina like they were Curley and Shemp doing a little side stooging on Moe's day off.

Write a column exposing America's children as the faithless little bastards they are. Drag secular education into it for good measure. If you're successful, voters will forget who was really responsible for this fiasco and you'll become Mr. Rove's go-to guy, again--at least until Ms Malkin writes a column about the need for internment camps for godless children.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot