Bill's mighty and terrible falafel of justice

Rev. Alberto Bondy
St. Anne Catholic Community

cc: Bill O'Reilly


Dear Father Bondy,

I know you're going through a rough patch right now. Hopefully you'll find some comfort in my words and advice.

There's nothing wrong with a priest slapping another priest around after a wedding. I bet Jesus kicked a few of his disciples' asses after downing a few jugs of his miracle merlot at the wedding in Cana. It's what guys do. We get hammered and pound the hell out of each other.

I also don't have a problem with you beating a kid for taking your lawnmower out on a joyride. It's not right for a man to touch another man's lawnmower. It's akin to desecrating a sacred object. The little perp deserved a whooping.

That said, I have to wonder if you could have avoided all this controversy if you had tried spanking instead. It's a more acceptable form of violence in our society. Heck, Bill O'Reilly credits it with our victory in World War II.

How do you think the priest would have responded had you thrown up his cassock and slapped his little fanny red? That'd have shown him who's the boss. He'd never question your authority again.

Maybe Mr. O'Reilly could offer you a few tips. He acts like the kind of guy who thinks a lot about domination, and I hear that he wields a wicked falafel of punishment. You should drop him a note.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot