Scooped

Roger Ailes
Fox News Channel

Dear Mr. Ailes,

I can't tell you how dissappointed I was to hear Fox News Channel being scooped by its own consultant and talent. That's what happened last Friday when Fox News Intelligence Consultant, Wayne Simmons, dropped a bombshell during Alan Colmes's radio show and identified liberal columnist David Corn as the person who betrayed Valerie Plame Wilson (MP3 file).

That's one heck of a scoop, and the fact that you were beaten to it causes me to wonder if the people you employ are beginning to believe that Fox News has lost favor with Our Leader. I can think of no other reason why they'd break such a big story on a competing medium.

It's not too late to strike back with an even a bigger story. To my knowledge, no one has broken the story about how Rick Perlstein helped Hugo Chavez obtain Vorgon Battle Crusiers. Nor has anyone reported on Max Blumenthal's secret life as an Iranian Ayatollah or Molly Ivins's work as an assassin for the Direction Générale de la Sécurité Extérieure.

I'm sure that you'd quickly find your way back into Our Leaders good graces if you broke any of these stories. I'd be glad to help you do it. And if you're in the market for a new intelligence consultant, I'd be happy to help you out with that as well.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot