Judge Steed: an enduring monument to religious freedom

Judge Walter K. Steed
Hildale Justice Court
Hildale, Utah

Dear Judge Steed,

Thank you Sir, for standing up for your convictions, even while passing sentence on those of lesser men... and best of luck with your appeal to the Utah state Supreme Court. That the state Judicial Conduct Commission would seek to remove you from the bench -- simply because you have taken three wives -- is not only an affront to all of our religious freedoms, it is a personal insult to a clearly moral, courageous and appropriately named man such as yourself.

Any judge who can lay down the law at a home with three wives -- sisters no less -- is exactly the kind of judge America needs to reign in the scourge of petty drug offenses that threatens to tear asunder our nation's moral fiber. And any man who can satisfy three women in marital bliss, occasionally simultaneously, and in various divine positions, is a role model for us all. You Sir, are obviously a man of extraordinary strength and vigor, who surely hides beneath his judicial robes a monument to God's everlasting glory more solid and enduring than Justice Roy Moore's 3-foot-high, 5,300 pound granite tribute to the Ten Commandments.

Given your recent publicity, I am sure that I am not alone in seeking your sage advice on such profound issues as the theological foundation of Joseph Smith's revelation affirming plural marriage, or the legal and ethical quandary you must face every day you sit in judgment on others while simultaneously standing up to the state's oppressive bigamy laws. But as weighty as these subjects might be, I pray that you permit me to ask a thorny question for which your personal situation and experience makes you uniquely qualified to answer:

"What is the minimum number of condoms necessary for one man to have safe sex with three women?"

I eagerly await your prompt answer; a pitcher of beer hangs in the balance.

Faithfully yours,

Goldy
HorsesAss.org

[PS: I say two, my buddy says three. Please show your math.]