I love the smell of testosterone in the morning

Tom Crouse
Holland Congregational Church

Dear Pastor Tom,

Your Mr. Heterosexual contest is--dare I say it--an act of pure genius. Finally, heterosexual men have a venue where they can flaunt their heterosexuality without guilt or fear of reproach. My only regret is that I do not live in Massachusetts and am therefore ineligible to compete.

That said, I'd like to contribute a few ideas to make it even better. Manly events like tearing up Oprah magazines and delivering short dissertations on the glory of duct tape sound like a lot of fun, but I'm thinking that by adding a few other events, we can make this thing as big as a Promise Keepers rally.

How about adding a cowboy movie? I hear Brokeback Mountain is very good--everyone down at the cafe tells me I should see it. They laugh and say it'll give me a whole new outlook on bulldogging and the meaning of being saddlesore. It's in its first run right now, so we'd be able to show it's while it still fresh.

We should also consider adding wrestling. Rob Adonis runs a wrestling ministry that gets rave reviews at Christian events. I've tried to engage him in the past, but we got hung up on whether he'd allow my men to wrestle his men, naked, in honor of our ancient Spartan warrior forefathers. I think we could get around that this time by alternating Spartan-style matches between Mr. Heterosexual contestants with his bouts.

Of course, we could just have an old fashioned Spartan-style cage spanker without his wrestlers, but his show would add a spiritual dimension that might be hard for us to match. You see he has this one guy who wears tight black shorts with white lips pasted on what I like to call his Mighty Bulge of Irresistible Temptation. It entrances his opponents just like the siren song of sodomy casts its spell over regular guys like you and me. Opponent after opponent is seduced by it magic until finally, a man of great spiritual strength is able to resist its spell and pin the bulge's wielder. Once he's down, all of the other wrestlers jump in and beat the shit out of the damned sodomite with loving Christian fury.

Then it's time for Frito pie.

I'd like to get together with you soon to work out the details. You name the time.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Operation Yellow Elephant's Karl