United States Senate
Dear Sen. Specter,
Deputy Leader Cheney is in trouble for shooting an old man with a shotgun. Questions are being raised because his excuses don't fit the facts of the case. As the inventor of the Warren Commission's Magic Bullet Theory, you're the only person who can help him build a scenario where his excuses make sense.
The police report says that Whittington was 30 yards away when Dick shot him. It also notes that the elderly gentleman was hit in the face, chest and neck. Agents of the Ministry of Truth characterize the shooting as a "peppering." Taken all together, these things would suggest that the shot was fairly well dispersed.
Unfortunately, a more detailed look at the facts reveals something else. Our Deputy Leader was using 28 gauge shotgun shells loaded with 3/4 oz of #7-1/2 shot. That particular load carries approximately 262 BBs. The doctor caring for the wounded man said that he removed about 200 BBs. That means about 4/5ths of the shot in the load struck the man in an area no larger than about 18 inches in diameter.
That seems like an awfully tight pattern at 30 yards. It can only be explained by the existence of a magic BB that would ride herd on the other BBs, keeping them as bunched up as possible.
Yesterday, we learned that one of the BBs penetrated the elderly gentleman's hunting vest, shirt, skin, muscle, rib cartilage, and possibly bone, coming to rest in his heart. I'm no physicist, but that seems like a lot of energy to expend for a .095" BB weighing 1/345th of an ounce. I suggest that a better explanation would be that once the bb hit the skin, it began burrowing into the elderly gentleman's body. Since regular shot doesn't have claws for burrowing, a magic BB is the only possible explanation.
Well, that's all I have right now, but it's a start. You're the expert when it comes to mystical projectiles, so I'll let you take it from here.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian patriot
PS. Thanks for giving me the deed to Sen. Cantwell's uterus. I've waited a long time for it.
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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.