Monitored lady-parts are productive lady-parts

Sen. Julie Bartling
Democratic Whip
South Dakota State Senate

Dear Sen. Bartling,

When your husband, Bart Bartling, comes home after hard day of trucking feed, I hope he has dinner waiting for him. I worry about that given all the gallivanting you do down at the Statehouse. Certainly, Bart and the children aren't getting the kind of service a god-fearing wife and mother should be giving to her family.

Sure, there is an upside to your work. Your appointment by Our Leader to the Federal Agricultural Mortgage Corporation has to be good for Bart's business (The Chosen One sure knows how to reward His friends, doesn't He) and your bill restoring men's god-given property rights over not-men's lady-parts is a blessing to every man South Dakota.

There is little I can do about your usurpation of Bart's patriarchal role--you're his property, not mine--but as long as you're going to be in the Senate anyway, I'm willing to help you do God's work by offering suggestions to help you make your forced childbirth legislative initiatives even stronger.

You see there's a big loophole in your latest effort to criminalize free will. The South Dakota Abortion Act cannot by itself prevent women from denying rapists their right to fatherhood. Criminalization isn't enough. You need some kind of monitoring too. It's like Saint Ronald of the Death Squads once said, "trust but verify."

That's where my idea of lady-parts monitoring comes in. All you need to do is pass a bill requiring the implantation of a device that would sound an alarm whenever a foreign object is inserted into a not-man's lady-parts. Of course we'd also need to install a RFID chip into her husband's little soldier so that authorized entry wouldn't be confused with criminal activity (We could also set up a video system that would activate once the husband's RFID chip trips his wife's sensors--that way we could ensure that it's for purely procreational purposes and that no one is enjoying it.)

We have the technology, and you've certainly demonstrated the will needed to do something like this, all we need now is a bill.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot