Saving Spermatazoan-Americans

Cecile Richards
President, Planned Parenthood Federation of America

Dear President Richards,

I've changed my mind about your organization. I think it was very gutsy of you to thank Senators Lieberman and Chaffee for their cloture vote that effectively put Samuel Alito on the Supreme Court.

By doing so, Planned Parenthood announced to the world that it is a part of a new kind of public interest organization, one that values its proximity to power more than its members' core values. Just as AARP abandoned its membership to ingratiate itself with Our Leader by endorsing his Medicare prescription plan, you've sold out your base helping these two Senators hide their pro-forced-childbirth vote.

There is still much more you can do. As you may be aware, we're beginning our assault on Griswold v. Connecticut. Banning contraception won't be easy, but with your help, I think it's achievable.

Of course, we don't expect you to take a public stance against birth control. Rather, we're looking for the same kind of covert support you gave us with Alito--maybe something simple like punching holes in the condoms you distribute to your lust-filled, procreation-avoiding clients. That would be a great start. Not only would it generate data for our arguments against the effectiveness of condoms, it would also save the lives of the trillions of Spermatazoan-Americans who suffer horrible, painful deaths as their little skulls are shattered against the condom's unforgiving lambskin wall.

I hope you will consider helping us. You've come this far already. You might as well finish the job.

Heterosexually (I am not a homosexual) yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot