Talking points

Rep. Eric Swafford
Tennessee House of Representatives

Dear Rep Swafford,

I applaud you for sponsoring a bill banning the sale of certain appliances. You know what I mean, the vibrating things that sometimes look like a man's little soldier. I call them toy soldiers.

As much as I like your bill, I'm certain it will anger feminists and those who believe the heresy that the government has no business regulating a woman's lady-parts. Expect these femislamists to attack you viciously.

No doubt they'll be aided and abetted by a media feeling empowered after bringing about our nation's defeat in Iraq. You'll need to be prepared for them.

That's where I come in. I've prepared a few talking points to help you manage their interviews:

• Sexual devices cause women to have unreal expectations about men.

• Some of these devices are 4 inches or longer in length and over an inch in diameter.
• These devices stay hard all of the time, even when wrestling isn't on the TV.
• These devices seldom cause a woman to cry or vomit.

• This bill is not targeted at Bill O'Reilly.

• Bill O'Reilly will always be welcome to visit Tennessee.
• Nothing in this bill prevents Bill O'Reilly from bringing his ReamMaster 5000 into the state as long as it is for his own personal use.
• Although Mr. O'Reilly will be unable to buy a sexual device in Tennessee, there is nothing in the bill that bars him from buying batteries for any device he brings with him.

• I am considering amending the bill.

• I'm working on language to allow Alpha Gamma Rho fraternities in the state to purchase one AlphaGoat with the Vibra-Bleat® option prior to pledge week each year.
• I'm adding a clause that will allow for drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve.

I hope you find these talking points useful.

Heterosexually yours,

General JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to MzNicky.