Elmhurst Undercover

Peter J. LaBarbera
Illinois Family Institute

Dear Mr. LaBarbera,

I was surprised when I learned today that Elmhurst, Illinois is number one in the nation when it comes to Google searches for the words: "sex," "porn," "gay porn," "anal sex" and "vibrators." After all, Elmhurst is not the first place you think of when you're listing the top ten candidates for New Sodom.

Then I remembered that Elmhurst is in your office's back yard. In fact,your office is so close to Elmhurst, a couple of miles at most, it might even be considered to be a part of that city in regard to internet coverage.

That would certainly explain Elmhurst's high anal sex search rank. Indeed, given your legendary interest in homosexual sex--by all appearances, you think about it every waking minute--I'd be surprised if any other city topped the list. That would also explain why Norfolk, Virginia is your biggest rival for number one--it's in Pat Robertson's backyard.

Unfortunately, most of the rest of America will not make this connection. Elmhurst and Norfolk will forever be branded as the new Sodom and Gomorrah in their minds unless you and Pastor Robertson step up and take responsibility for the rankings. I hope you do so soon.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: Elmhust is also number one in "lesbian porn" searches.