Richard Cohen: a white man's white man

Richard Cohen
Washington Post

Dear Mr. Cohen,

I knew you'd be called a racist for writing a column that was complementary of shopkeepers who deny service to negroes. It's to be expected in today's politically correct America. I've experienced it myself.

A couple of years ago, a whole family of negroes moved into our neighborhood. Of course, I immediately began to worry about my daughters and the other white women on the block. So I called the Imperial Wizard of our local Heritage Defense Association and asked him what we should do about it. He told me that he and a number of the other guys were holding a special meeting about the negroes that night and invited me to join them.

I usually wear my heritage appreciation robes to these events, but mine were dirty so I decided to wear a kilt and pillowcase with eye-holes cut out of it. I figured that a kilt expressed the same kind of appreciation for our heritage, especially since I had made mine out of an American flag.

We met that night at the church, and immediately, Cletis started making comments about how purty I looked in my "dress." I ignored his taunts for the most part, choosing only to remind the others that Cletis is a god damned liar and that no one should listen to him.

After a couple of speeches, we went down to the negroes' house to express our reservations about their decision to become our neighbors. Once there, we erected a cross, poured a few gallons of diesel fuel onto it, and lit it on fire. Our plan was to then run away. Unfortunately, Cletis chose that moment to start running his mouth again. I responded by hitting him with the shovel we brought to dig the post hole for the cross. That pissed him off so he shoved me, knocking me back into the blazing cross and causing my flag kilt to catch on fire. I immediately dropped my shovel and started to roll around on the ground like they teach you in the 3rd grade.

The next thing I know, the Imperial Wizard is screaming that I tried to burn Old Glory and then everybody starts laying into me with their boots and beating me with the shovel.

Just when I was sure they were going to beat me to death, the negroes ran out of their house, scaring the hell out of my Heritage Defense Association buddies, who quickly hightailed it out of there. Unfortunately, they left the shovel and now the negroes began pounding the crap out of me with it. Again, I thought I was going to die, but God eventually intervened in the form of the police. They arrested the negroes and took me off to the hospital.

You can probably guess the rest of the story. Two days later, the NAACP held a press conference, claiming that the Negroes were "victims" of racism, demanding their release, and calling for my arrest on hate crime charges. Of course the County Prosecutor, being French, gave into their demands and charged me.

Thank God my trial was moved to Simi Valley. The jury there understood that I was the true victim of racism.

So you see, I know just how you must feel. It's hard to be a white man in post-Klinton America.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Desi asserts that Mr. Cohen is the patriarch's patriarch