Factchecking FUBAR

Ofjoshua's laughter kept me awake most of Saturday night. I eventually asked her what she thought was so funny, thinking that she had accidentally spied my little soldier again, and she showed me a book, FUBAR: America's Right-Wing Nightmare by Sam Seder and Stephen Sherrill. She explained it as being a humorous look at the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution.

That didn't seem possible to me. After all the GC³R is very serious business--there's nothing funny about Noah's dinosaurs, blastocyst-Americans, and Spongebob Squarepants recruiting our children into homosexuality. So after Ofjoshua fell asleep, I stole her book, took it down to my bunker in the crawlspace under the trailer, and read it.

Sadly, I have to say that it's a very funny book. Worse yet, it also seems to be very well researched. It has footnotes and everything, and I'm not talking about Ann Coulter footnotes--these footnotes actually cite real documents. That makes it hard to attack. I can't say it's boring, and I can't call it bullshit. If it wasn't for the sections on closeted Republicans, I wouldn't have anything to attack at all.

But thankfully, I do have those sections on closeted, self-hating, homosexual Republicans, and I have to ask how Seder and Sherrill know that these guys are homosexuals.

Take Ed Schrock for example. Sure, he may have been taped, saying:

I'd just like to get together with a guy from time to time just to -- just to play. I'd like him to be, uh, in very good shape, flat stomach, good chest, good arms, well hung, cut, uh, just get naked, play, and see what happens, nothing real heavy duty, but just a fun time, go down on him, he can go down on me, and just, uh, take it from there. Hope to hear from you. Bye

but does that really mean he's a homosexual? It sounds a lot like an invitation to join him in a little Spartan-style wrestling to me. "Well hung," "cut," aren't those words the kids used to describe someone with a muscular build? It sounds to me like he's looking for a very fit wrestling partner, someone who'd provide him with a challenge.

The "go down on him, he can go down on me" remark can be explained in much the same way. Certainly, he's talking about the position wrestlers take after one of them has been penalized--one gets down on all fours, while the other straddles him from behind and drapes his body over the other's strong, muscular back. I think Ed was saying that they'd each take turns being top and bottom. There's nothing homosexual about that, regardless of where there naked manhood should accidentally spelunk.

Heck, inasmuch as the men of the House Republican Caucus are all warriors, I'm sure they often honor each other by wrestling each other naked in the tradition of the ancient Spartan warriors. I can almost picture such a scene now. Rep. Doc Hastings (R-Abramoff) driving Speaker Hastert from behind, using every pound of his slight physique to bring the Speaker down, and Hastert on all fours, resisting, pushing back hard, the ebb and flow of their struggle causing the speaker's man-breasts to sway back and forth until they begin to slap a sweaty cadence against his belly and shoulders...slap...slap,slap...slap...slap,slap...slap...hoooooowl,slap,slap...

I'm going to have to stop writing for a few minutes.

Okay, I'm back. Uhhh, I think I've done enough to counter FUBAR's claims about Ed Schrock--Oh, one last thing. Schrock always voted to discriminate against homosexuals. Obviously he hated them.

The same is true for Rep. David Dreier. He's been a good friend of the GC³R. He's never said an unkind word about the Party's campaign strategy of demonizing homosexuals to get out the Cletis vote.

I know that there's a lot of talk that he lies with men, but that doesn't necessarily make him a homosexual. I mean, we all frequently commit acts that might be considered homosexual in nature, don't we? The important thing--the thing that separates us from the homosexuals--is that we don't let those acts define us. So, we might spend the weekend cruising bars dressed in a sailor outfit, but we repent afterward, and if we're truly repentant, we pay a guy to punish us by spanking our bare butts with a spatula. That's what makes us better than them.

Anyway, I hope the above has dissuaded you from buying the book, but if you think you need to factcheck it a little more--I haven't discussed the chapters on creationism, women's issues, social justice, etc.--you can pick it up here.