Kim Jong-il, patron saint of the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution

Franklin Graham
Samaritan's Purse

Dear Mr. Graham,

One of the things I enjoy the most about living a gospel-focused life is that there's always something new to learn. Yesterday's orthodoxy is often tomorrow's heresy. For instance, it wasn't all that long ago when the Church held up the messages of humility and compassion found in Beatitudes as our Saviors most important work. Yet today, it seems to be all about testosterone-fueled vengeance and retribution. I welcome the change. Acting humbly and compassionately made me feel very uncomfortable. I was always worried that people might wonder if I was a homosexual.

I thought I underwent one of these upheavals of belief last Tuesday. At the time, I believed it was the most sudden change of thinking I've ever experienced, and you were responsible for it.

I was listening to your interview with Miles O'Brien on CNN's American Morning as I readied myself for work (as a self-employed aluminum can recycler, I'm an owner in Our Leader's Ownership Society) when I heard you say (from Nexis):

One of our goals is we want the government of North Korea to know and to understand that as Christians we're not enemy my [sic] and that Christians are good citizens. We're commanded by the scriptures to obey those that are in authority over us whoever they may be. We want the North Koreans to know that.

This statement seemed at odds with everything I believe. Does God really command us to obey murderous communist tyrants like Kim Jong-il?

But after thinking about it awhile, I finally understood what you meant. God commands us to submit to authority, period. Whether that authority is benevolent or malevolent is beside the point. It's the authority part that matters.

It's not such a foreign concept when you look at it that way. Indeed, absolute devotion to authority is one of the most important beliefs we share as religious and political conservatives. Actually, it's more than simply a belief, it's a need we conservatives have. At least that's what the research suggests:

JOHN DEAN: I ran into a massive study that has really been going on 50 years now by academics. They've never really shared this with the general public. It's a remarkable analysis of the authoritarian personality. Both those who are inclined to follow leaders and those who jump in front and want to be the leaders. It was not the opinion of social scientists. It was information they drew by questioning large numbers of people -- hundreds of thousands of people -- in anonymous testing where [the subjects] conceded their innermost feelings and reactions to things. And it came out that most of these people were pre-qualified to be conservatives and this, did indeed, fit with the authoritarian personality.

OLBERMANN: Did the studies indicate that this really has anything to do with the political point of view? Would it be easier to impose authoritarianism over the right than it would the left? Is it theoretically possible that it could have gone in either direction and it's just a question of people who like to follow other people?

DEAN: They have found, really, maybe a small, 1%, of the left who will follow authoritarianism. Probably the far left. As far as widespread testing, it's just overwhelmingly conservative orientation.

Of course, there will be many who will not make the connection as quickly as I did. You will undoubtedly be attacked for siding with Kim against his people. Hopefully, the debate that will ensue will help to educate our fellow conservatives about their responsibilities as subjects in an authoritarian system, but I can't help but think we can do more.

Perhaps we should consider designing an official uniform for conservatives. I'm thinking something along the lines of high lace-up boots, those puffy cavalry pants officers war around the turn of the last century, a long-sleeve shirt with a band collar (to give it a kind of clerical look) and a codpiece. All in black, of course.

The codpiece is important. It'll mark us as men of importance. It could also serve as a means of identifying status. The poor would be issued small codpieces made out of styrofoam. Working class codpieces would be a little larger and made out of plastic. From there, class gradations would be displayed through larger codpieces made out of aluminum, steel, titanium, silver, gold, platinum, etc--everything but wood; too many opportunities for mockery with wood.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip and an "'Allo, 'Allo" to Leclerc for finding the CNN transcript.