Foley's gift to guys like us

Ken Mehlman
Chair, Republican National Committee

Dear Mr. Mehlman,

It's been a rough couple of days for Republicans. First, Rep. Mark Foley is forced to resign after being accused of violating the law he wrote making it a crime to use the internet to seduce teenage boys. And now, it appears that Speaker Hastert and Majority Leader Boehner may loose their leadership positions for trying to cover it all up.

Of course, all of these charges are bogus. Foley can't be a homosexual. He's a Republican after all, and thanks to you, homosexual persecution has become one of the party's main electoral strategies. Only a self-hating psychopath could be both a homosexual and a Republican, and you wouldn't have tried so hard to recruit him to run for the senate if that were the case.

Foley, Hastert, and Boehner are all good men. I hate to see their futures destroyed by this scandal. There's a lot more they could do for Our Leader. We need to help them rehabilitate their careers.

Some are calling for Foley to donate his campaign warchest to a child protection charity. While I think that's a good idea--it'd certainly help his image--I'd rather see him do something that would benefit people like you and me. I'm sure you would too. After all, self-interest is what made us Republicans.

I'm thinking along the lines of using the money to build a museum for gladiator movies. Think about it. Liberals have all kinds of museums in Washington for their decadent art and Darwinian propaganda, but we have nothing. A National Museum of Gladiator Movies would fill that gap. Finally, a guy could dress up in his gladiator gear and spend a weekend in his own personal viewing booth watching all of his favorite gladiator movies. It'd be great.

Of course, Foley's campaign war chest isn't large enough to fund the whole project, so we'd need some federal funding. That's where Speaker Hastert and Rep. Boehner come in. They could supply the federal funds. Not only would that make them heroes to guys like us, they could also make a few bucks by stipulating that the museum be built on land they own. Speaker Hastert's a wiz at that kind of thing.

All we're really talking about is capital construction costs and operational funding for the first year. After that, I'm sure the museum could support itself on tissue, lotion, and nacho sells alone.

Could you talk to Foley, Hastert, and Bonier about doing this? I'd sure appreciate it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot