Foley clogs the tubes

Sen. Ted Stevens
United States Senate

Dear Sen. Stevens,

I heard something very disturbing today. Apparently, newly-former congressman Mark Foley committed some kind of unnatural sexual act with the internets during a vote on the Emergency War Time Supplemental Appropriation Bill. I have no idea how he did it, but given that the internets are simply a bunch of tubes, he had to have had his pants down around his ankles. Think about it. He either sent his little predator on a spelunking mission into the tubes or the tubes spelunked him. Either way, his pants were down.

Now where were Speaker Hastert, Majority Leader Boehner, Ethics Chair Hastings, and RNCC Chair Reynolds when all this was going on. There's no way they missed it. I mean, there's a guy, pants down to his ankles, going to town with the internets' tubes right there on the House floor. They had to see it.

My guess is that they chose to ignore it. Most people wouldn't blame them for that, because most people don't understand the internets tubes. They see a guy boinking them and they shrug it off as a little naughtiness, or they blame the internets for seducing the poor guy.

But Hastert, Boehner, Hastings, and Reynolds should know better. They should know that when a Congressman has his way with the internets, he's going to climax eventually, and that's going to clog up the tubes and prevent the rest of us from getting our email. And it doesn't matter if Foley was uploading. There will still be a lot of vomit and tears clogging up the tubes. At least I think that'd be the case. I can't think of a reason why the internets would react to sex any differently than our wives.

Inasmuch as the House is a wreck right now, I hope you and your colleagues in the Senate will investigate this. We can't have Congressmen plugging up our tubes, even if they are Republican.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot.

Note: Yes, Sen. Stevens is wearing an Incredible Hulk tie. He wore it the last time ANWR came up vote as a warning to those who would dare thwart his will. Rumor has it that after the bill failed, he grew big, turned green, and beat 15 staffers to death with an internets tube.