The Boner Agenda

After hearing all this talk about the Nancy Pelosi's legislative plan for her first 100 hours as Speaker, I was a little worried that the House Republican Caucus wouldn't respond in kind. Thankfully, as the following agenda I received from a House source demonstrates, I have nothing to worry about. Minority Leader Boehner has the first week all mapped out.

House Republican Caucus
Leader Boehner's First Week Agenda

Day One

• Vote for rule changing the title of Minority Leader to "Caucasian Leader."
• Introduce bill to torture gay, flag-burning Mexicans with ties to Hugo Chavez.
• Hold press conference declaring there is solid evidence that weapons of mass destruction are being manufactured at Salón de Fernando in East LA.

Day Two

• Blame yesterday's Salón de Fernando fiasco on Dennis Hastert.
• Deny blaming Rep. Hastert for the Salón de Fernando fiasco.
• Amend torture bill to include blacks who vote.
• Press conference with Senate Caucasian Whip Lott to announce companion Senate bill.

Day Three

• Blame Dennis Hastert for any verbal slips involving the "N-word" during the previous day's press conference with Senate Caucasian Whip Lott.
• Deny blaming Rep. Hastert for anything other than the Salón de Fernando fiasco.
• Call for an investigation into whether RuPaul was involved in the sale of Vogon star cruisers to Venezuela.
• Amend torture bill to allow for drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
• Pass out oil industry checks on House Floor.

Day Four

• Deny blaming Rep. Hastert for the Salón de Fernando fiasco.
• Introduce a resolution to award Congressional Medals of Honor to frozen "Snowflake" blastocyst-Americans.
• Hold a press conference denouncing the Demoslamunistofascists for committing treasonous acts of non-support for our frozen blastocyst-American heroes.

Day Five

• Amend the Congressional Medal of Honor resolution to exempt Frozen Blastocyst-American #H1456-03 from consideration for the medal, citing the "limp-looking" position of a bit of protoplasm that may develop a proto-wrist.
• Blame Rep. Hastert for not informing the Caucasian Leader about Frozen Blastocyst-American #H1456-03
• Amend the resolution again to match Caucasian Whip Lott's newly introduced Senate version which exempts frozen blastocyst-American who are excessively pigmented.
• Deny blaming Rep. Hastert for anything.