Crisis in the North: Pig War II

In honor of Manley McFlagHag's (now that's a patriot's name if I ever heard one) post urging an invasion of Canada, I thought I'd repost my three part series outlining the rationale for taking back what's rightfully ours. It was originally posted June 9-12, 2003.

One hundred and fifty years of shame
The case for war against Pender Island, British Columbia (Part 1)

On June 15, 1859, those who hate America because we're free sent a pig into Lyman Cutler's garden on San Juan Island in Oregon Territory. That pig was a message. A message of disrespect for all we believe. Lyman Cutler answered that message in the only way a true American can. He shot the pig. Thus began what became to be know as the Pig War.

The foreigners immediately tried to arrest Cutler. The Governor of Oregon Territory responded by sending the hard charging Capt. George E. Pickett along with 66 men to San Juan Island. That angered the Governor of British Columbia (BC), who claimed the island for the Queen of England. Three British warships were sent to dislodge Pickett and the brave Americans.

The British sailors, being the prim and proper girly-man they are, refused to engage our gallant soldiers. A stand-off ensued until a group of bearded peaceniks in Washington convinced the liberal socialist Democrat president, James Buchanan, to sue for peace. To the shame of Americans everywhere, the appeasnik Buchanan agreed to joint occupation. That shame was compounded 13 years later when an Arkansas sharecropper named William Clinton forced President Grant to allow the German Kaiser, another foreigner, to decide who would own the island. Fortunately, the Kaiser recognized the American claim. He failed, however, to force the British to pay for the damage done by the pig to Cutler's garden, thus encouraging our enemies to commit further crimes against America.

The British terrorists moved across the Haro Strait to Pender Island. Their progeny live there today, smugly taunting America with their pigs and gardens. We may have the land, but the Pender Islanders have our stolen honor and they mean to keep it. That's why they have acquired weapons of mass destruction and have opened terrorist training camps. More on that in future installments.

Facts about Pender Island, BC

• Many of their official documents are written in French.


• It is part of a province named for two foreign countries.


• Their autocratic mayor, Ian McNeely, is probably French.


• Like the Arabs, they measure distance in kilometers rather than miles.


• They trade with Cuba.


• They celebrate Thanksgiving in October.


• They send children to a special childrens prison


• They play a sport called "curling" with brooms and teakettles. It's a metaphor for their goal of feminizing the world.


• They eat Christian babies on a holiday they call "Boxing Day."


• Pender Island is actually two islands. They think they're fooling us.

Clams with really big parts
The case for war against Pender Island, British Columbia (Part 2)

For years, I'd heard rumors that the freedom-hating citizens of Pender Island had launched a psychological warfare program against us. The geoducks were my first piece of proof. Geoducks are a type of clam that is easily identified by it's large syphon. While I've always felt a bit inadequate around geoducks, I've noticed that the Pender Island variety was particularly obscene. Moreover, they've caused me to have strange, unnatural thoughts. These thoughts grab hold of my mind forcing me to commit certain private sinful acts. Someday, I will sit down with Jesus to review my life, and these acts will be the source of many seconds of embarrassing silence. I'm sure that Hell will be something like those few moments.

Anyway, these clam's syphons are unnatural -- even for geoducks. They must be the result of some kind of genetic engineering project. But why? Sure, they cause me to spill some of my essence, but that only weakens me momentarily. Within hours, my seed regenerates itself. There must be more to it.

The answer came to me one day when I went to Pikes Place Market with my wife and sister-in-law, Susan. As we walked past a stack of iced geoducks, Susan whispered something in my wife's ear, and they giggled. I recognized that giggle. I've heard it a thousand times. They were making fun of my little soldier. The geoducks gave them a model of something no man can achieve. These freak clams are turning men into little more than a cheap joke. The islanders are using them to undermine the authority of the American male, thus weakening our great nation. It's a new kind of subtle warfare, a type of insidious terrorism that can bring down a nation without a shot being fired.

Island of death
The case for war against Pender Island, British Columbia (Part 3)

Every few days, I go down to the local gym and hang around the locker room to look for suspicious activity. You never know what you'll see when the men there undress. I once saw a tattoo on a white guy that was written in Chinese. He was obviously a Red Chinese spy. I followed him everywhere for months. He couldn't use the bathroom without me being there. He tried every spy trick in the book in an effort to shake my surveillance. Threats, restraining orders, arrests -- nothing stopped me.

After about 17 months of following him to no avail, I finally struck pay dirt when he grabbed a ferry to Pender Island and checked himself into a place called Camp Spartacus. I thought that it must be some kind of gladiator camp. I was absolutely thrilled because I'm a huge fan of gladiator movies. I hid outside for nearly a week, waiting for him to leave so that I could check in.

Unfortunately, once I did get in, I learned that it wasn't a gladiator camp after all. It was a secret weapons of mass destruction production site. Thank God I had my camera and was able to take the pictures posted below. I authenticated them using two different sources. First, I sent them to Judith Miller of the New York Times. She showed them to her contacts at the Department of Defense and they confirmed that these are indeed pictures of a WMD production facility. I then sent them to Donald Rumsfeld. He showed them to his contact at the New York Times, Judith Miller. She noted that she had seen similar pictures that had been authenticated. There I had it, confirmation from two sources. Pender Island was making weapons of mass destruction.