Debbie Schlussel, Double-Naught Spy

Debbie Schlussel
Freelance Double-Naught Spy

Dear Mrs. Schlussel,

I shouldn't be so surprised by the excellent work you've done exposing Barak Obama's ties to the Islamunistofascist menace. After all, your exploits as a freelance double-naught spy in the War against Islamunistofascism are legendary. Still I can't help but be impressed by the case you've laid out against Obama. It's absolutely air tight. As you noted in your Monday column, his middle name is Hussein; his father was Muslim; and he's visited Kenya. Obviously, he's an Islamunistofascist masquerading as a Christian.

This knowledge scares the living hell out of me. I'm not ashamed to admit that. Fear is America's greatest ally. It's served us well since the early days of the Massachusetts Bay Colony when witchofascists sought to destroy everything in which we believe. It continues to be a powerful force for good today by providing us with the will to bomb civilians, deny our citizens habeas corpus, and to commit righteous acts of torture.

But how do we respond to this new information about Obama? Being a Senator, it might be hard to justify detaining and torturing him. I suppose we could bomb the people of Illinois since they elected him, but where would the Cubs play and what about Ditka?

Maybe the best response is for you to follow him around and taunt him while poking him with a stick. That way, you can allay our fears by reminding us there's a double-naught spy on the case.

Heterosexually yours in a biblically approved kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Miss Poppy finds another way the College Republicans can support the troops.

Billmon is back and that makes me very nervous.

And finally, let's corrupt Digby by giving him money.