Fox News Channel
Dear Mr. Ailes,
Fox News Channel has always been one of our most important assets in the War on Christmas. Heck, I'd wager that without Bill O'Reilly and John Gibson's valiant efforts, Hanukkah Harry would be sodomizing Santa with a dreidel, Gitmo style, in a Macey's display window right now. Still. I have to wonder if Fox has what it takes to do it again. After all, your ratings aren't what they were a year ago. Your biggest star, Bill O'Reilly, is down 19 points since last Christmas. That doesn't bode well for our war effort. It's time to shake things up a bit.
You need to bring in someone new, someone more exciting than O'Reilly or Gibson. He'll need to be someone who's experienced the kind of brutal warfare were facing this yuletide season. I think I know the perfect man for the job, Dr. Peter Hammond of Frontline Ministries. Not only is he a Fox kind of guy--his ministry was funded by South African intelligence back in the good old days when that nation practiced the traditional confederate values so favored by our own beloved Republican Party--but he also has experience fighting the War on Halloween:
Controversial Christian evangelist Peter Hammond confirmed on Wednesday that he has been charged with assault following what he said was a Halloween "accident" with a paintball gun.
...He said his family -- he has a wife and four children -- do not approve of Halloween, which they see as an "occult holiday celebrating human sacrifice, witches and goblins".
His children had wanted to do a "counter-Halloween", and he had agreed to drive two of them around to "do paintballing" on trick-or-treating youngsters on October 31.
...He said his 10-year-old son initially paintballed some youngsters who appeared to have just strewn rubbish across the road as a Halloween prank, shooting low and from a distance, and then called out to another child, asking whether he was a trick-or-treater.
The boy came over to the car, saw the paintball gun, swore at Hammond's son and tried to pull it out of his hands.
The gun went off, and Hammond drove away.
I'm thinking we team Hammond up with Bill O'Reilly and send them hunting for store clerks who greet them with a "Happy Holidays" rather than a "Merry Christmas." When they find one, O'Reilly could work him over with his Terrible Falafel of Everlasting Shame while Hammond pastes him with red and green paintballs.
That, my friend, would be must see TV.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
No comments:
Post a Comment
We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.