Isn't it time your town adopted a Jesus-only ordinance?

Stephen Vengrow
City Councilman
New Providence, New Jersey

Dear Councilman Vengrow,

I know you've taken a lot of heat for the remarks you made during the council meeting a few months back, but darn it, you were right to speak out against the city purchasing a Hanukkah banner, declaring: "This town is a white Christian town in a Christian nation." It's about time someone reminded the Jews, Hindus, Mormons, Buddhists, and other guest-Americans that this is our country and they better start getting with the program.

Now it's time for you to take the next step and deny public services to anyone who refuses to kneel down and pray to Jesus. I know that sounds radical, but it really isn't that much different than what happens when a city passes an English-only ordinance. After all, English-only ordinances deny services to anyone who can't fill out a city form written in English. You'd just be extending that kind of patriotic discrimination to include anyone who doesn't pray to the Lord.

Implementing it shouldn't be too hard. Just set up a statue of Jesus in the City Clerks office, require everyone to pray in front of it every couple of years, and issue them a Certificate of Piety to show firemen, cops, etc whenever they need to use city services. Heck, you could probably make it even easier by strapping one of those flat Jesuses on the sides of all your garbage trucks and instructing your drivers to stop only at houses that have people praying in front of them.

I hope you'll consider it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Helmet tip: NJDC.