Fox's Democrat Candidate Presidential Debate

Tom Collins
Chair, Nevada State Democrat Party

Dear Mr. Collins,

I'm very excited about your partnership with Fox News to bring us the first Democrat Candidate Presidential Debate. It may be the only truly fair and balanced debate of the whole primary season. I mean what other network is going to cut away from the debate to give us a quick investigative report into the shady nature of Majority Leader Reid's morning cocoa and doughnut purchases; certainly not CNN, not NBC, not CBS, and not ABC--OK, ABC would probably do it too, and they'd add dramatic recreations involving Osama bin Laden, Sandy Berger, and a shifty looking South American guy in a vicuna coat, but your deal isn't with ABC; it's with Fox, and by god, that's good enough.

It's going to be a fantastic debate. I imagine Brit (he's not a foreigner he just has a not-man's name) Hume will lead the interrogation. Hopefully, Bill O'Reilly will be on the panel too, and if we're lucky, John Gibson will be on hand to tell us which candidates deserve "five in the noggin" for treasonous acts against Christmas.

In any event, we're going to see a lot of great questions asked of the candidates. Questions like:

"Sen. Hussein-Osama, how do we know that you won't set off a homicide bomb at your own inauguration?"

"Gov. Richardson, isn't it true that you refer to your state by using the name of a foreign country?"

"Sen. Clinton, now that you're a lesbian, can the American people be assured that you won't murder any more boyfriends?"

"Sen. Biden, if I told you that Gov. Richardson is actually a Mexican, would you have the guts to render him to Syria?"

"Sen. Edwards, have you given up on your plans to rape the Pope?"

"Sen. Dodd, who among your competitors should be hung for treason along with Nancy Pelosi and Jack Murtha?"

Of course, it's easy to guess the questions. The real mystery is how Fox will refer to the candidates. Will Hume and company call them the "Democrat candidates" like they did the last time they hosted a debate, or will they refer to them as the "traitorous Democrat candidates," or better yet, the "Demislamunistofascist candidates?"

Well, good luck. I hope this partnership works out well for Fox.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot.